State of Mind
by SarcasticEnigma
Summary: COMPLETE! Another take on what could've happened if 'All in the Family' had ended differently. CARCY! R&R!
1. Dreams

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes up to chapter 5are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge

_**State of Mind**_

_**Chapter 1: Dreams**_

"_Where do I go from here?  
Or am I just like a clock spinning round  
Everything seems unclear."_

"Two stab wounds to the left flank. First one is at L2, 4 centimeters of the midline. Second one is L5, in the midscapular line." Luka said while Carter was being wheeled into Trauma.

"He hit the spinal cord?" Abby asked in shock.

"It depends on the angle." Luka replied with a hint of anger.

"BP's 70 over 50, pulse is 120." Lydia informed them from a monitor.

"Squeeze in two liters and prepare for a subclavian." Luka said as everyone prepared to save Carter's life.

"Good breath sounds bilaterally." Chen said after leaving his chest with her stethoscope.

"Pulse ox 93." Abby shouted over the beeping monitors.

"Should we incubate?" Lydia asked unsure of how to help handle the situation.

"No, 10 liters by mask for now." Luka replied while watching over Carter. "Send a trauma panel, type and cross for 4, and get X-ray in here for a chest. And a one shot IVP."

"I was just talking to him." She said softly remember how Carter was preparing to leave but noticed Sobriki's name was still on the board. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and cursed Lucy for being so lazy about waiting for a Psych report while Sobriki waited for 4 hours.

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"Carter." A sweet female voice whispered while Carter lay on a bed with his eyes closed. "Carter." She repeated sweetly and he opened his eyes to find Lucy hovering over him. "Hey, stranger. How are you?"

"Lucy?" He asked sitting up slowly with her help. "What are you doing here? More importantly, where is "here?""

"Cook County General. You're being operated on right now." She pointed to the room next to them and there he saw it. Luka, Abby and Chen were moving around frantically to save his life in the OR. Benton just stormed in and joined them while Luka left after talking to Benton for a second. Carter noticed they were all covered in blood and knew it was his. He suspected he lost a few liters.

"Oh my god." He said getting off of the bed slowly. He walked to the door that led to his operation and put his hand to the glass window in awe and fear. He saw Benton and Dr. Anspaugh are operating on him.

"More lap pads. The kidney won't taponade." Benton ordered in a hurry. He was so scared on the inside.

"You didn't have time to get a three-way or IVP?" Anspaugh questioned suspiciously.

"His crit was falling, I didn't want to chance it." Benton explained impatiently.

"The colon is lacerated all right. Three-O silk and a G.-I. Needle."

"Dr. Anspaugh, there's blood welling in the hylum."

"All right, all right, all right. Isolate the renal artery and get a clamp on it." Suddenly, one the many machines is heard beeping in the background.

"Hypotensive, heart rate's up to 120." A nurse informed slightly paniked.

"Ok, we've got to get this kidney out of him before we lose him. Move!" Benton barked.

"Hold on. Let me finish suturing his colon before we do something drastic."

"I'll dissect out the arteries and tie them off. Come on, come on mister, move!" He shouted at Anspaugh impatiently yet again. he was acting as if it was anyother person.

"I said wait, Peter!" He shouted back at Benton furiously.

"Why? He's lost too much blood, his hylum is trashed."

"Dr. Anspaugh, he's getting shocky, his pressure is 78 palp." Another nurse told them.

"All right, we've got to get clear." Benton said ready to move Carter on and into recovery.

"We still have some time."

"No we don't!"

"Peter! Will you calm down and you listen to me! Before there's no turning back, let's check the source of the bleeding one more time."

"Too many vessels are injured."

"Squeeze in another unit. Let's be sure!"

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As he stood there and watched for about another second, he realized something. "What about you?"

"Benton just left me to come to you, as you can see. Luka, Mark and Kerry passed me off to Elizabeth and Romano. I'm upstairs with them now. He's actually a very nice man." She had a smile on her face as she referred to Romano but it faded as she inclined her head toward the ground. "He's scared." She said softly with sorrow in her voice.

"Lucy, are you okay? Are you--" He said turning toward her.

"Dead?" She finished looking up at him with tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know. I know you aren't though, so that's something." She said looking back at his operation for a second before moving away from him. "Carter…I'm…I don't…" She couldn't seem to speak.

"What is it? Something wrong?" He asked following her to the Exam doors. Turning her to face him he saw the blood running down her chest. "Oh my god, Lucy! Come here. We'll fix you up and everything will be okay." He said trying to pull her to the bed but she placed her hand on his hand holding her wrist.

"Carter." She said softly and he looked at her. He was shocked to find she had a small smile on her face.

"Ignore this. It's nothing."

"Nothing?!" He exclaimed in shock. "You're bleeding from your chest! Lucy, get over here right now so I can fix you!"

"You can't fix me, Carter. I'm not broken." She pulled his hand off of her wrist and walked up to him slowly. "Besides, this is a dream. Or haven't you figured that out?"

"I guess so." He said looking at his operation for a brief moment before looking at her again. "But you're…" He was at a loss for words and he really didn't wanted to say what he was thinking, fearing it would come true.

"Remember how I said I wasn't sure if I was dead?" He nodded starting to worry, as the tears in her eyes became thicker. "Well, I still don't know but I'm pretty sure I have to go now."

"Go? Go where?" He asked as she stopped in front of him. Tears were appearing in his eyes now.

"You have to wake up, Carter. This is your dream." She put her hand, untouched by the blood on her chest, to his cheek. "So…wake up." She finished with that same happy, small smile.

"Lucy--" He said, some tears started to cascade down his cheek, putting his own hand to hers.

"Paging Dr. John Carter." She quickly said interrupting him, tears now falling from her eyes. "Wake up, Carter." She let go of him and took a few steps back toward the door.

"Lucy?" He said trying to go after her but found he couldn't move his feet.

"Wake up, Carter." She said still walking backwards crying.

"Lucy!" He shouted furiously as he reached out for her, desperately trying to pull his legs from the ground.

"Wake up…" She said reaching the doors and pushing them open. "…John." She smiled as him and sobbed for a second before leaving him alone. Carter's feet finally moved and he ran to the doors. Pushing them open, suddenly closing his eyes and he covered his face with his arms from a bright light clouding his vision. The light faded and he opened his eyes to find himself in a hospital bed plugged into monitors and an IV drip. He looked next to him and saw Dr. Peter Benton smiling at him.

"Hey, man, glad to see you decided to wake up."

_**Chapter 2: News**_

**Preview: **Carter learns about what happened to Lucy.


	2. News

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge. Also, thanx for the review!

Sky Spade: thanks, i've only got up to 5 chapters written so i'll make 'em count!

Sharon R: thanx on the dream sequence. i tried to make seem not sappy like, not sure i did though. o, well! sorry about the miss spelled words, my stupid spell check did that. i thought i fixed that problem from your nitpick??? i'll back later on and rewrite it for it to work. thanx for the help!

_**Chapter 2: News**_

"_Confusion is raising its head  
And I can't make a sound  
I feel it tearing at my soul."_

"All right, let me know when the vibration stops." Benton was testing Carter's legs and back. He had signed on to help Carter through his physical therapy; he didn't trust anybody else to do it. Benton placed a metal rod against Carter's leg and hits it with a small hammer.

"Pancreas?" Carter asked trying no tot sound scared, wincing from the pain a bit.

"Totally intact. He just got the descending colon." He replied referring to Paul Sobriki.

"How long will I have the colostomy for?"

"About a month, then we'll do a take down."

"Now." He said signaling the vibrations stopping.

"Good, sensations intact. You were lucky, Carter."

"I know. Thank you."

"You're welcome. All right, I've gotta test your motor strength. Lift your leg."

"How's Lucy doing?" He finally asked thinking back to his dream.

"Come on man, lift, lift." He said pushing Carter to work completely ignoring the question.

"It hurts." Carter complained as Benton pushed.

"I know." He said with concern for his former Med. Student. "All right now, don't let me push it down, okay. Hold it, hold it. Good, good." He said setting his leg down to write on his chart.

"Aw, my back is killing me." He said tightly shutting his eyes while rubbing his back ever so lightly.

"Yeah, I know." He chuckled and gave a small smile at Carter. _Of course your back hurts. You were stabbed, stupid. _"Hematoma around the lumbar plex. I'll give you some morphine. I want you up and walking in 12 hours, okay?"

"Lucy's dead, isn't she?" Benton doesn't answer him, just keeps writing down Carter's information on his chart. As Carter realized the truth, tears form in his eyes, and he turns away from Benton. His thoughts drifted to the dream he had and realized they were true when he asked if she was dead. Or rather thought she was, she didn't know.

The two friends sat in silence. In all honesty, Benton did know if Lucy was alive or dead. He wanted to tell Carter but wasn't sure if he was ready to hear the truth. Romano and Elizabeth took her up a while ago; an hour at least. Benton saw Carter's eyes building up tears and thought it best to leave him alone. But as he reached the door, his hand on the knob, he deeply sighed and turned back to Carter. Pulling over a chair, he sat down in front of Carter deciding to tell him the truth.

"I placed a trach in her throat due a Tracheal Laceration to maintain her airway, and brought her to the OR. Romano and Elizabeth had to perform a thoracotomy after she arrested from throwing a clot. Her liver was damaged, but Romano and Elizabeth were able to repair it. However, they did have to remove her spleen. They were with her in Angiography when she woke up. After telling her they were about to start the procedure, she threw another clot." A small tear cascaded down Carters cheek as he sighed softly and turned his head away to face the ceiling. "They started chest compressions but since they wouldn't have time to make it to the OR, they had to reopen her chest since she was PEA. Her right ventricle became dilated and they soon started internal compressions. They had to put 4-0 prolene, a couple amps of epi. 100 of lidocane, an emp of astopine as her pulse ox. went down. Elizabeth had to shock her from 30-65 but she eventually flatlined."

"You could've just said she died." Carter practically hissed at him. _Why the hell is he telling me this? I don't want all the gory details._

"She was dead. They called it at 2: 56 and just as they were turning off the monitor and preparing to leave, the flatline started to go up. Her heart was up and running again. They got her into the OR shortly after, just in case. While you were here sleeping she was sent upstairs into recovery."

"She's alive?" He said in shock turning his head back to Benton.

"Yes." He said smiling at Carter who started to laugh. He couldn't believe Lucy made it through. Sure, she wasa fighter but after hearing Benton telling him the procedure he wasn't so sure. He sighed happily as he wiped his eyes of the tears that had fallen during the story.

"Wait, how do you know?" He questioned.

"Mark, Luka, Kerry, Elizabeth, Romano and myself had a meeting after both of you were stable to compile the facts in a case to sue Paul Sobriki on a charge of manslaughter." Carter laughed and chuckled again in pure happiness that Lucy was okay. "There's more, Carter." He said more seriously causing Carter to worry again.

"What is it? You just said she's up in recovery."

"She is up in recovery but she's got a long road ahead of her. She'll have to start physical therapy the moment she wakes up or…" He paused for a moment not sure he should tell Carter. "…Or she could become paralyzed below the waist." Carter looked at Benton blankly.

"What do you mean? Are you saying Lucy is gonna end up in a wheelchair?" He knew full well what paralyzed meant but he couldn't believe that it would happen to Lucy.

"She had several stab wounds: one laceration to her proximal aorta, stab wounds to the left neck and chest and, uh…two more to her stomach--" He started.

"Oh man." Carter said putting his hands to his eyes again trying to force the tears back inside.

"--Right and left upper quadrants." He finished lowering his head. Carter shook his head through his hands. "Carter." He said trying to get him to look at him but Carter wasn't listening. "Carter!" He shouted jumping from his chair and shaking his traumatic friend. Once finally having his attention, he continued. "She's fine, Carter! She's fine!" He said reassuring him a bit. "But when I said that she'll have to start physical therapy as soon as she wakes up, I meant that she's upstairs in the Coma Victim Recovery Unit." Carter looked at Benton blankly again, trying to let it sink in but he didn't want it to. He didn't want the fact that his Med. Student was in a coma and could become paralyzed sink in. He didn't want to accept it.

"No. No! I don't believe it! You said that she's fine! How can you define being in a coma as "fine!"" He shouted pushing Benton away from him.

"If she doesn't wake up with a time limit of three months, then she'll be sent to Boston for futher recovery at a hospital that specializes in these sort of cases." Carter had tuned out Benton a while ago. His thought kept drifting back to the dream he had, now mixing with the information he just recieved it all made sense. "Look, you need to rest if you're gonna start your own physical therapy tomorrow. You'll probably be going through it for about a month. More if you don't take care of yourself. I'm going up there now to check on her. You can go up as soon as possible. I'll let you know when, okay?"

"Yeah." He whispered through tears. "Yeah, whatever." Benton wanted to say more but felt that Carter was cut off at the moment, and he couldn't say or do anything to make him feel better about Lucy's situation. He left and went to the front desk to get another chart. He needed to take his mind off of Carter and Lucy. He still couldn't believe that his former Med students student may not make it through the night, and if she did then there was no telling how long it would take her to wake up.

_**Chapter 3: Sorry**_

**Preview: **Carter asks for forgiveness.


	3. Sorry

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge. Also, thanx for the reviews!

Sky Spade: i'm not sure but i don't really know about how the old episodes are being rerun. i thought it was on today on TNT but, like i saud, i'm not sure. here's the update as promised.

psych21: that's right! there aren't enough Carcy fics! i'm happy you liked the dream sequence and here you go on the recoveries part.

Lili: thanx and ask and you shall recieve.

_**Chapter 3: Sorry**_

"_While I'm asleep  
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret  
What if I make the change?  
What if I loose my courage  
This time?"_

It had been a month since "The Valentine's Day" massacre, as Jerry sometimes called it, and Carter had been walking around and seeing patients for a week now. He'd spent his entire month of physical therapy with a cane.Kerry asked him to take a few days off but he refused. Carter didn't want to sit at home, or rather Kerry's basement, and do nothing. If anything, "nothing" would become thinking about Paul Sobriki, which would lead to Lucy.

He hadn't seen her at all, he couldn't bring himself to step in the elevator and go to her room. Just the thought of seeing Lucy in a bed plugged into monitors and a tube in her throat helping her to breathe made him sick. Those damn monitors seemed to be counting down how long she had left. Carter scolded himself every time his thoughts went back to her. But after a few hours into his shift, some of the nurses started talking at the front desk.

"Did you hear?" Chuny said after Carter walked by while handing a chart to Dave.

"Hear what?" He asked while giving her back the chart after glimpsing at it. "No, give this to somebody else."

"It's a perfectly good case! And you're a doctor for crying out loud! Now take it and let me finish!" She said pushing the chart back to him harshly.

"Now, as I was saying, did you hear about Carter?"

"No, what about him?" Dave said quickly switching the chart with another when she turned her back. Mark came around the corner and wiped the board of his name after picking up another chart. He wrote his name again for a man that had a broken leg.

"He's going up to see Lucy." She said leaving the front desk to go with Mark.

"He is?" Dave asked Jerry who just told a little girl and mother to sitting in the waiting room.

"Yeah. He just got in the elevator." Dave looked at the doors down the hall quickly but only to see them closing. But he did see a figure inside but only for a second.

"Wonder what he's gonna say." Dave whispered to himself returning to the charts to find a "good case."

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"Hey stranger." Carter said to Lucy's sleeping body at the doorway just above a whisper. He suddenly remembered the dream he had and how she had said that to him. He lowered his head and bit his lip thinking back one month to how he found her. He was about to leave when he saw Carol step out of the elevator. He turned back to her room and leaned on the doorframe unsure what to do now, so he just looked at the floor. Carol smiled at him and tapped his shoulder sneaking up on him. He jumped and turned to see her still smiling. "Carol, what are you doing?" The idea that she was Lucy's nurse never entered his mind.

"Watching you make a fool of yourself." She turned from him and went into Lucy's room. She pulled out her chart and then went to her IV drip. It was almost running on empty. "She needs a new one."

"I'll go get it." He said turning to leave, glad to have the excuse, but she ran to him and pulled him inside.

"Oh no, you don't." She pulled a chair to Lucy's bed and pushed him down into it. "You're gonna sit here and visit your Med Student while I go get a new IV."

"But my break's over." He said standing up only to have her push him down.

"Don't worry, Carter. I'll tell Kerry. I have a hunch she won't mind." She smiled at him again, turned on her heel and left. He watched Carol walk out of sight through the window before turning back to Lucy. He slowly put his hands into hers but took them off just as quickly. He didn't know what to do, he'd never done anything like this before.

"Um…hey, Lucy. I know I haven't been up to see you since…well, I've been busy with my own recovery. Benton says you're gonna have to get some physical therapy when you wake up. You need to hurry and wake up, Lucy. I'm sure you know that the more time you sleep, the less chance there is for you to wake up." He sighed shaking his head. _What am I doing? I shouldn't being talking like a doctor_. "Lucy, I…I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I never should've left you alone. Lucy…" He said putting his hands back onto hers. "…You have to wake up. You _have_ to." Carol had come back with the IV Lucy needed but she didn't want to interrupt Carter. She backed out of the doorway but didn't leave. Carter put his head down on his hands cover Lucy's and couldn't help but start crying.

"Hmm…" Lucy moaned softly, so soft that Carter wasn't sure if he heard right. He looked up and saw her eyes were closing tightly, and then her hands started to move. He stood up and ran to the doorway where he nearly knocked Carol to the floor.

"Carter! What the hell--"

"She's waking up! Lucy's waking up!" He interrupted her frantically.

"Oh, my god!" They ran into the room and Lucy's eyes were fluttering open, trying to adjust to the light. "Lucy? Lucy, can you hear me?" Lucy tried to speak but felt to tube in her throat and remembered how she couldn't talk when she tried with Elizabeth, so she just nodded. Carol started to pull the tube out while Carter came around the other side to check her eyes. "Carter, I can handle this. Go downstairs and get Mark." Carter wasn't listening to her until she pushed him away and out the door. "Go!" He sighed heavily before running down the hall to the elevator. After pressing the button, he decided to fly down the stair since it was taking too long.

"Carter?" Luka said as he was nearly run over. "Carter, what's the rush?"

"Where's Mark? It's an emergency." He asked out of breath.

"It's always an emergency here." Yosh said as he walked by them into Exam 6 to check on a patient.

"A _real _emergency. It's Lucy." Carter said scolding Yosh.

"What's happened? Has her condition worsened?" Luka said walking closer to Carter in concern.

"No." He suddenly gave an "ear-to-ear" smile showing his teeth. "She's awake."

"She's awake?" Carter shook his head and asked again where Mark was. "I think he and Lily are in Exam 3." Carter thanked Luka and ran toward the room Luka suggested. When he found only Lily, he cursed under his breath. _Why is it whenever there's something big going on, all the nurses are around gossiping but the doctors are nowhere in sight? _

"Everything alright, Carter?" Lily said cleaning up the patient deprived room.

"Yes, where's Mark?"

"He said he was going to get some coffee in the Lounge." She said pointing to it even though he knew where it was. He thanked her too and made a mad dash to the Lounge. Mark was just coming out when he heard Carter calling him.

"Carter? What is it? Something wrong?"

"No...nothing wrong. Carol…she…" He was trying to catch his breath. "…She needs you in Lucy's room."

"Dammit!" He said throwing away his coffee and walking to the elevator, Carter matching his stride. "I hope she didn't throw another clot." He said thinking it was bad news.

"No, nothing like that. She's awake." Carter said as he and Mark waited for the elevator. Mark looked at Carter and, like he did, decided the elevator was taking too long. He and Carter ran up the stairs and almost knocked Elizabeth down them. They both yelled sorry but were preoccupied to sound sincere.

"What was that about?" She asked herself getting up and going to the front desk. "Jerry, where were Mark and Carter going?"

"I don't know. They were talking here a minute ago. Carter said something about Carol needing him up in Lucy's room." He informed her walking away to go deal with a patient that was starting to scream about how long he'd been waiting.

"Oh, dear." She whispered to herself sorrowfully. "I hope she's all right."

_**Chapter 4: Leaving?**_

**Preview: **Lucy makes a difficult decision.


	4. Leaving?

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 4: Leaving?**_

"_Everything seems so strange  
Try but I can't seem to make a decision  
That's right  
I feel it pounding like a drum  
Inside my brain  
I feel it  
If it doesn't stop I'll go insane  
I feel it  
Tearing at my soul."_

"Hey, Lucy." Mark said coming in the room with Carter close behind.

"Hey, Dr. Greene." She whispered in a raspy voice. She mentally cursed herself and started to rub her throat in pain.

"How you feeling?" He asked while starting to perform a check-up and Carol wrote on her chart. Carter just stood next to Carol and looked on in amazement.

"About as good as can be expected." She said more pain coming to her throat.

"Here. Drink this." Carol said handing here a glass of water. Lucy gave her a small smile taking the glass and Carol returned the smile before going back to writing on the chart.

"Lucy, I need you do me a favor." She shook her head and handed the glass to Carol. Mark uncovered her and revealed her legs. "I need you to tell me when you feel the pin." She shook her head knowing the procedure. He started at her toes and slowly made his way up. She was scared because she couldn't feel the pin at all. Lucy licked her lips because they were so dry and sighed heavily. Mark looked up to Carol and Carter and they knew what he was thinking, even Lucy was thinking it. She was until she finally felt the pin, it was a small pinch but it was there and that was a good sign. They all smiled and she gave a sigh of relief. "That's good, Lucy. Great. We'll be right back, okay?" She nodded and Mark motioned for Carter and Carol to follow him outside. After Carol set the water down on a table, she followed the two worried doctors.

"Is she gonna be alright, Mark?" Carter asked after Mark motioned for Carol to shut the door.

"As far as I can tell, she's gonna be fine. She's awake, eyes are responsive and she still has feeling in her legs. She'll need to take a lot of physical therapy, maybe 3-5 months worth, but I think she'll be fine."

"What about her voice?" Carol asked looking back into the room seeing Lucy close her eyes and lay her head back down on the pillow.

"I'm not sure. I think she'll be fine. Mr. Sobriki didn't get the knife in far enough to puncture any major arteries but it will take time to heal. All in all, I think you've got your student back." He smiled at Carter who had the same "ear-to-ear" smile on his face. Mark patted Carter's shoulder as he and Carol went back into Lucy's room and told her the good news. Carter watched them for a second before going back downstairs and telling the others she was alive, awake and well.

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_1 Month Later (April):_

Everyone was glad to see Lucy alive. They were even more glad to see Carter not moping around. Now he was on Cloud 9 almost 24/7, this was all well and good except for the fact that he never left Lucy alone. Kerry allowed Lucy to work in the hospital since she, like Carter refused to lie in bed all day. She would be working from a wheel chair and on small cases, but there was nothing that could be done about that. Being a student wasn't as much fun as it had been. The main reason besides her temporary wheel chair was that she was never left alone with a patient and could only do thinggs like apply a cast or a small suture.

She was in physical therapy at the moment, alone. Dave was her doctor, per his request--he'd beaten Carter to the punch. Lucy was on some parallel bars when Carter walked into the room. He looked at her before speaking. He watched her struggle to stay standing and saw the pain in her eyes while doing so. He felt so guilty that he only had a months worth of what she was going through because Sobriki felt that Lucy deserved a more severe punishment.

"Hey there." He said cheerfully walking towards her. She looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey. What are you doing up here?" She said trying to concentrate.

"I'm on break. Where's Dave?"

"I got a little hungry so he left to get some lunch."

"You do know that your not supposed to be on these bars without a spotter, right?" He said with a smile knowing she knew the rules.

"Well, I'm not gonna get any better by sitting in that chair and laying in bed all day." He nodded respectfully understanding what she meant. He thought he was going to die the whole time he was in therapy. Lucky for him though, it only lasted a month. She was near the end of the bars when she suddenly lost her footing and tripped. Carter knelt down to help her but she stopped him. "No, Carter. I have to do this on my own."

"You're right." He said getting up and bringing her wheelchair to her. She was up again by that point and she looked up him.

"I hate this." She said shaking her head while making her way closer to the wheel chair.

"I know. I did too. But it gets easier. Look on the bright side, according to your chart you've only got 5 months left in here. By then, you should be up and walking around." He smiled at her while she hopped into the wheel chair.

"You don't understand." Disgusted, she shook her head and wheeled away from him.

"What?" He said confused as he watched her move away from him and toward the door.

"Nothing. Never mind."

"No. Lucy, what's wrong?" He said following her then stepping in the way of her path toward the door. "Talk to me." He said kneeling down to face her with a coaxing smile. He wasn't really being serious because he didn't think she was--what with her talking to him and all. They had been avoiding each other since she woke up.

"Get out of the way, Dr. Carter." She said harshly looking up at him.

""Dr. Carter?" Since when do you call me that?" He said a little worried getting up.

"Since I'm mad at you, now get out of my way." She said pushing his legs out of her way forcefully.

"Lucy, what's wrong? Seriously, tell me." He looked down to her with concern in his eyes. She sighed and shook her head again.

"_That_. That right there--that look." She said with disdain.

"What look?" He said not understanding what she was insinuating.

"That look of pity. Don't think I don't know what you're thinking. I can see it in your eyes, Dr. Carter. I can see it in everyone's eyes."

"Lucy, I don't know what your talking about." He said half truthfully. He knew what she was talking about. Everyone gave him looks of pity at times. Not about his condition, but on what happened and how guilty he felt about Lucy.

"Don't lie! You think I don't know what everybody says behind my back? "Aw, look. There goes Lucy. Poor thing. She was lucky but who knows how long it's gonna last.""

"Nobody thinks that!" He replied shocked by how little she thought of everyone. No one would ever think that about someone, at least no one in the hospital--unless you count Romano. He was the only exception.

"Yes, they do! I hear it all the time. Because I'm in this god damn chair, no one can see me when I walk…_roll_ by." She emphasized her hate of the word "roll." "I'm the latest piece of gossip, Dr. Carter. You think that would be pretty cool--make someone feel special. Well, it doesn't! I wake up and I go to bed and all day I can see people pitying me. I can hear in their voices. Even the patients do it!"

"Lucy--" He started trying to comfort her.

"No! I won't hear anyone else say things are gonna get better and that I'll be okay because I'm not!" She sighed heavily a little embarrassed. She looked him in his eyes and started again, only more softly as not to damage her trachea any more then it was. "Look…I'm…I'm going away for a while."

"What?" He replied indisbelief not understanding. "You can't be serious? Lucy, you can't leave! You'd be disrupting your recovery."

"I'd be disrupting it here, Dr. Carter. I'm going back home."

"Lucy, I have to tell you that I don't agree with this."

"I don't care. I'm tired of being here and knowing that the people I care about most, including you, pity me. I don't want or need it." She finished cruelly.Lucy lowered her head, putting her hands on the wheels ashe moved out of her wayand she pushed the door open. "A friend of mine is flying in tomorrow and when my shift and therapy session are over, I'm going." They looked at each other for another second before she left the room. Dave met up with her a moment later down the hall with a turkey sandwich for her.

"I'm sorry." He whispered to himself.

_**Chapter 5: Friends**_

**Preview: **Lucy tells Carter how she feels.


	5. Friends

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge. And thanks for all the reviews! I'm so happy so many people like my fic.

Cartergal131: yayness!!! and thankies!!! hope you like this update.

_**Chapter 5: Friends**_

"_While I'm asleep  
I feel it  
Driving me to something I'll regret  
I feel it  
I feel it  
If it doesn't stop  
I'll go insane."_

Lucy rolled her way out of the elevator and to the front desk where a man was being hassled by Jerry. The man was about Mark's height but the body build of Luka. He had dark brown eyes and the hair to match. It was closely cropped and underneath his trench coat was Army fatigues.

"Look, if you're not here because you're sick or visiting then you have to leave." He started to push the guy out of the hospital when the guy gently pushed him away.

"But I already told you, I'm here to pick up Lucy Knight and take her home." He explained to Jerry for about the millionth time.

"I don't know who you think you're trying to fool, buddy, but Lucy Knight isn't going anywhere."

"It's alright, Jerry." Carter said coming out of the Lounge with a cup of coffee. "Lucy's going to spend the rest of her recovery back home. This is her friend--he's taking her home." He repeated to Jerry for the man since he was more credible.

"Oh! Hey, sorry about that, man." Jerry apologized as he headed back to the desk.

"No problem. You wouldn't happen to know where she is?" He asked Carter.

"I'm right here, Scott." Lucy said rolling over to him with a big smile. Carter noted that now had been the happiest anyone had seen her since she woke up.

"Hey, gorgeous!" He said leaning down to hug her returning the smile. Meanwhile, unnoticed by either of the two friends, Carter rolled his eyes and groaned taking another sip of his coffee at the nickname. "How you doing?"

"I wish people would stop asking me that and fine." She replied, still smiling, as Scott straightened him self out.

"You ready to go?" He asked pointing toward the door.

"Yeah, just give me a minute to clean out my locker." She said starting to roll toward the Lounge.

"I'll give you a hand." Carter said turning to follow her.

"I don't your help, Dr. Carter." She replied with a bit of anger.

"Dr. Carter?" Scott asked and both he and Lucy stopped moving. "I've heard so much about you. Scott Parker, nice to finally meet you." He said placing is had out to shake Carter's.

"That'd be me and I've heard nothing about you." He shook Scott's hand putting on a plastic smile. "A pleasure all the same. You're in the Army?"

"Yeah. Five years this July."

"Wow! That's interesting. What's it like?" He asked trying to keep Lucy from leaving a little longer. Scott was about to answer when Lucy spoke up.

"I'll meet you out front, okay?"

"Sure thing. Nice meeting, doctor." He said walking out the doors.

"You too, Scott. Good luck with the Army." He called after him. He looked down at Lucy who gave him a dirty look before heading into the Lounge. "What?" He asked following her. Jerry, Chuny, Yosh and Lydia had witnessed the entire display and started to take polls on whether Lucy would decided to stay or would leave after Carter confessed he loved her at last. Carol, Mark and Luka heard them and bet that she would just go and Carter would retreat to his sulking stage again.

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Lucy went to her locker, Carter close behind, and started to clean it out into her backpack. Carter took another sip of his coffee to calm his nerves. He just watched Lucy a moment as she did so. Carter didn't want to see Lucy leave--even if it was to help her recovery, he didn't want her to go. As much as he, to some extent, hated to admit it, he had grown fond of Lucy. Even after their spats about her not knowing how to start an IV drip, the video in her computer pad, and the kiss in Exam 6. All those things made him curse himself for being so cruel to her. _Maybe if I hadn't acted like such an ass before this whole mess, she'd be staying. _

"I can't see you but I know you're watching me, Dr. Carter." She said backing up her chair a bit. He chuckled at how even in her present state she didn't lose her sense of humor. Lucy pushed herself up from the chair with a lot of pain and effort to stand. As she lifted her feet off of the chair, she kept her balance by gripping at the top of her locker where her painkillers were. Lucy suddenly lost her footing and fell. Had it not been for Carter who dropped his coffee and dived to catch her, she would've ended up on the floor instead of in his arms.

"You need to be more careful." He stated helping her back into her chair. "Ask for help next time." He said pulling out her painkillers and she snatched them from him, placing them into her backpack.

"Thanks." She said rather bland not looking at him.

"Alright, Lucy, that's it. I can't take this anymore!" He said pulling her from her locker and spinning her around to face him, her wheels squeaking on the coffee. "Why are you mad at me?" He asked frustrated kneeling down to her level so she couldn't look away. "And don't give me that "pity look" crap because I got them too, but I didn't go around hating everyone for it! I didn't leave my friends! My home!"

"In case you forgot, Dr. Carter, this isn't my home!" She replied angry trying to push him away.

"No." He said pulling her back to face him. "No! You are a fighter, Lucy! Since the day I met you you've been a fighter! I mean, hell! You've put up with me, you've even told me off a few times, you came back from a coma and a serious stabbing--you came back from the dead, Lucy!" She couldn't look away from him now, not when everything he was saying was true. Her eyes had started to well up with tears while he spoke with from love and concern but through anger. "Why, Lucy? Why? Why are you really leaving? Is it me? Do you blame me for this?" He said hitting the wheels of the chair as he shouted 'this.' "Do you? Talk to me, Lucy." He finished wiping a tear from her cheek. She didn't even turn away from him as he did so. Swallowing hard to remove the lump in her throat which throbbed in pain, she opened her mouth to speak.

"I...I-I _do _blame you, Carter." She said another tear falling as he couldn't help but smile at the use of his name. But his smile faded when he realized she said that she did blame him. "I do blame you. I'm sorry." She whispered taking his hand off her cheek gently. He was about to ask why when she zipped up her backpack and wiped her eyes quickly. "I have to go now." She said at last. He was about to stand up again but she put a hand to his cheek and wiped the tears that strolled down his with a small smile. When she released him, she sniffed and turned toward the door. As she opened it, she sat in the doorway for a moment before looking back at him. "Good-bye...John." She smiled, as another small tear fell not just from her eyes, but his as well.

As the door closed, he sat down on the couch at just looked up at the window. His thoughts drifted back to his dream, as they often did whenever he saw Lucy. But this was different. The way she had left in his dream and the way she left him now had so many differences, but one thing was the same: she used his first name. She never did that. It wasn't exactly proper for a student to be on a first name basis with their teacher. At least not until they were a doctor them selves.

"What the hell happened in here?" Chuny said confused as to the coffee on the floor.

"Oh, sorry, Chuny. I'll clean that for you." He replied very melancholy rising to his feet. As he leaned down with a rag and cleaned his coffee, which dripped all the way to Lucy's locker, Chuny couldn't help but notice the expression on his face--empty.

_**Chapter 6: Thoughts**_

**Preview: **Everyone's thoughts (hence the title) on past events.


	6. Thoughts

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes up to chapter 5 are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 6: Thoughts**_

"_Where do I go from here?  
Or am I just like a clock spinning round  
Everything seems unclear."_

Everyone felt the sting of the dark cloud hovering over the hospital since Lucy left. She had been gone now for 3 months and things seemed slower than usual. A gunshot wound here, borken leg there--the procedures were the same but the hospital was missing it's once happy workers. The surgical ward had been packed more often since graduations had occured. Many of it's patients had been drunk teens. Not all that surprising when they thought about it. Seeing so many kids die in front of them made coming into work even harder for Elizabeth. Romano on the other, was surprisingly upbeat and it sickened everyone to no end.

Mark, Kerry, Luka and everyone else in the ER was having a hard time as well. The surgical ward thought they had it tough, but for the patients that did survive sugery, they'd end up in recovery or intensive care. Some would even be stable, then out of no where need to go into the OR or ER again. Those were just teenageers. Adults and kids weren't fairing any better. The doctors weren't doing so hot either.

Everyone had to pick up the slack with so many patients now and were working till all hours of the night. Mark, Luka and Dave were on call all the time and never went home. Chuny and the rest of the nurses had almost no time to gossip. Though a little dissappointed they couldn't discuss why they thought Lucy really left, it was probably for the best that they didn't.

Carter had been effected more than anyone. He had retreated to his sulking state again and barely spoke more then two words to anyone. Not only that, hewas sent away to Atlanta for a drug addiction. He couldn't get Lucy's words out of his head to whole time he was gone, "I _do_ blame you." It was one thing for Carter to blame himself but for Lucy to blame him was something else entirely. He felt so guilty; well, guiltier. Carter blamed himself for happened to Lucy, not Sobriki, but himself. He was hoping that when Lucy woke up she would tell him that it wasn't his fault and that there was nothing he could have done. But that, apparently, would never happen. Not now, not ever. She was gone. He'd returned but now had to go to AA meetings with Abby as his temporary sponsor; since she was a 5 year recovered alcoholic, take medication,take random urine testsand meet with Kerry and Mark as check ups on how he was doing.

Among other things, Jerry and Carol had left as well. Jerry was replaced by Frank, a former PI. While Carol had left for Seattle to be with Doug. Kerry was on the war path, especially with new Med students coming in the next month and a half. She wanted Cook County to be in tip-top shape. In her opinion, everyone seemed to be slacking off. Understandably so, all of them were sleep deprived.

So much had been going on. Mark and Elizabeth were engaged and moving into a new home together. Chen, or Deb as everyone called her, told Kerry she was 22 weeks pregnant without telling her who the father was. But that didn't stop Dave and some of the nurses from prying and asking some of the hospitals employees if they knew who he was, or if they were he himself. She eventually decided to put the baby up for adoption and visited the child's father, Nurse Frank Bacon. Abby was now a full-time nurse since her ex stopped paying for her Med school tuition, and sees a side of Luka she never expected when he beats a mugger to death while they're on a date.

Benton had "fired himself," in the words of Romano, because of a fine he got while refusing to perform surgery on a homeless man named Fletcher. Romano blackballed Benton all around the nearest counties so he couldn't find work until Elizabeth nailed him a job in Philadelphia. He turned it down and he and Cleo broke up because of his decision to almost leave with telling her. He stayed at County working a no-bebfit job down in the ER.He had also lost his nephew Jesse after he was shot and killed, and because of a few comments Dave made without knowing who Jesse was, Benton beat the shit out of him.

But other than all that, things were pretty much normal.

_**Chapter 7: Return**_

**Preview: **The ER gets a big surprise.


	7. Return

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes up to chapter 5 are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 7: Return**_

"_Confusion is raising its head  
And I can't make a sound  
I feel it tearing at my soul."_

It was the middle of August and despite the heavy rainfall earlier in the month, the city was bustling. Cook County General had new students joining them, all showing promise. It was the second week of their ER rotation and it was obviously taking a toll on them. Some of them were falling asleep standing up, others would end up in Exam room beds only to be kicked out by Kerry when the room was needed. The students didn't seem to mind that much though, not until they got back to their dorms--if ever.

The doctors, all of them, ER or otherwise, were on their toes constantly with their students. Even Carter had a new student. A boy this time named Alex who reminded him a lot of Dave. Not just attitude and skill wise, but personality too. Alex seemed to hit on every female Med student that he saw in his class. This only led everyone to the suspicion that he spent his extra time with Dave. But Carter enjoyed teaching Alex everything he knew; it seemed to fill the void Lucy had made when she left. Carter wasn't the only one enjoying the students and the time they shared--everyone was. But not everyone was happy about the new school year. In fact, only one person completely loathed it. That one person was Lucy Knight.

Unbeknownst to her friends at Cook County General, she had finally returned after 4 ½ months. She stood across the street looking at the place she called home. Inhaling sharply, she stepped off the curb only to return to the sidewalk again hesitantly. With a heavy sigh, she reached into her jean jacket pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills. Pouring two into her palm and placing them into her mouth, she put the bottle away and swallowed the pills without water. Lucy was so nervous, scared and worried all rolled into one. Running a hand through her now short light brown hair and picking up her bag, she inhaled deeply and stepped off the curb again. _You can do this, Lucy. It's not hard. Just remember what Dr. Peters said and you'll be fine. It's no big deal. You're just seeing your coworkers for the first time in…almost 5 months. _Sighing she stopped finally reaching the other side of the road.

"Okay. You're here now. No turning back." She was about to take another step forward when a speeding car hit a large puddle and covered her back with dirty water. "Maybe just this once I'll turn back and go home." She did just that and stepped into the road quickly to cross again. "After all, tomorrow's another day." Lucy had just nearly been hit by another car but, luckily, was unharmed. The front of her, on the other hand, was now soaked as well. She wiped her face off agitated moving backwards toward Cook County General again to get out of the way of on coming traffic.

It was at that moment, she heard an ambulance coming toward her. She felt her pulse start to race and her heart jumped up into her throat as it finally came into sight. Lucy couldn't resist the urge to run toward it and the patient inside. A smile crept across her face as she ran back across the road again, dodging cars left and right, only to meet Kerry and Carter outside.

"What have we got?" Kerry shouted helping the paramedics bring the man down from the back of the ambulance. As the man started to explain he was a skydiver that hit the ground a little too hard, Lucy started to help them push the man inside. "Who are you?" Lucy opened her mouth to speak but Kerry cut her off. "Never mind. Frank!" She called as they started to pass the front desk.

"Got it, chief!" He said rushing around the front desk and grabbing Lucy. He pulled her off to the side as the others went on and out of sight. "Sorry, miss, but you're gonna have to wait here and let the doctors work." He finished giving her a strange look, realizing she was wet, and wiping his hands off.

"Fine, uh…Frank. I'll be in the Lounge." She walked toward the door and opened it. Just as she was about to go in whenFrank pulled her back to the front desk.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where do you think you're going?"

"Who are you? Where's Jerry?" Lucy asked looking at the front desk.

"Jerry is no longer in this hospital's employ. I'm Frank, his replacement. You are?"

"Lucy Knight, I'm a former Med student here." She said with a kind smile only to hide her confusion. "Maybe you've heard of me?" He looked her over once before shaking his head.

"Sorry, but no. Should I?"

"Look, Frank, I know you don't know me and I don't know you but if you could talk to Dr. Weaver, she'll tell you who I am." Dave was picking up a chart and saw Frank hassling her. He squinted his eyes for a moment looking at her with the sense of déjà vu.

"Lucy?" He said walking around to get a closer look. She turned her attention away from Frank to Dave and she just smiled. "Hey!" He said hugging her tightly. "How have you been?"

"Good! Good. You're not blonde anymore?" She scolded herself rephrasing that. "I mean, how are you? How's everybody?"

"Good. Not the same since you left but we've made due."

"I appreciate that, Dave, but I doubt things were that different without me here."

"How little you know. I'll tell you everything, but first things first. You, uh…you want get a shower?" He said pointing her up and down. She looked at herself and laughed.

"Yeah! Yeah, a shower would be heaven right about now." He started to laugh to as she walked towards where the patient's showers were. Dave walked up the hall to an Exam room after telling Frank Lucy was okay to walk about freely. Still a little suspicious, Frank went back behind the desk to answer the phone. Dave headed into the Exam room and smiled widely seeing Lydia.

"What are you so happy about?" She asked taking a look at the chart he'd grabbed.

"You're never gonna guess who I just saw."

"You're right, Dave, I won't so why don't you just tell me." She said smiling.

"Ha, ha. Very funny." He said less than amused as Lydia walked to the door to leave. "Lucy."

"Lucy?" She repeated in shocked looking back at Dave from the doorway. "She's back?"

"Yup. And not in a wheelchair, I might add." He said smiling telling her what tests to order. "She just headed down the showers if you want to see her. She looks…different."

"Thanks, Dave. I'll go do that. I'm on break if anyone asks." He nodded turning back to the teenager on the bed in front of him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lucy was in the shower only for a minute and she felt refreshed. Getting that dirty water off of her felt so good that all she could do was just stand there holing the faucet above her head and just stand there. _Okay, this feels good. No, better than good. This is like first trauma good. Oh! _

"Hey, Lucy, you in here?" Lydia said looking around. "Oh! There you are!" She said moving over to where she saw some clothes on a chair.

"Oh, hey, Lydia!" She said peeking through the curtain. "Dave tell you I was here?"

"Who else?" She chuckled as she picked up Lucy's clothes and examined them with a cringe. "Wow. What happened to you?"

"TVP." She joked going back to her shower starting to scrub herself with some soap.

"TVP? Don't think I know that one."

"Truck vs. puddle. _That_ was the end result." She said referring to her clothes. Lydia couldn't help but laugh as she gathered up the rest of Lucy's leaving only her boots.

"How 'bout I get you some new clothes? I think we've got some lying around from when our homeless patients come in."

"That would great. Thanks, Lydia."

"No problem. I'll let Weaver know you're here too if you want."

"Sure! But don't tell anyone else, alright?" All she heard was silence. "Lydia? Lydia?" She turned around and looked out from the curtain find an empty room. Lydia was gone and probably was already telling Chuny she was here. Lucy could already see it. Everyone would know she was back by lunch. "Oh, boy." She sighed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lucy walked up to the front desk with her new clothes on. Lydia had found her a long, button down plaid shirt, a black tank top and another pair of blue jeans, under garments and socks. The shirt was the only thing on her that didn't fit properly; Lucy thought it was obviously meant for a man since it went mid thigh on her. She looked around the area a little lost.

"Dave!" She called him as he was heading into the Lounge. "Have you seen Lydia? She has my clothes and bag."

"Yeah, she came in here a minute ago. I was just about to grab her to ask if some test results came back."

"Thank god." She said with a sigh as she walked toward the Lounge. "I really have to get out of here before--"

"Surprise!" Shouted a few of the doctors and nurses with giant smiles. Among them were Lydia, Chuny, Haleh, Luka, Abby, Mark, Elizabeth and even Chen. Lucy gasped and put her hands to her mouth and couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh, my god! Dave, did you--"

"Guilty as charged." He interrupted her with a cocky smile putting his hands up in the air as if surrendering. "But, Lydia helped me though." He said pointing to Lydia and still smiling, he gave her a hug. She hit on his chest before hugging him a smile still on her face.

"Welcome back, Lucy." Luka said coming up to hug her and the others soon followed. She was so happy that the others had missed her. They didn't react to her like she thought they would. She thought for sure they would be mad or act awkward around her, but they were happy to see her again.

"Like the hair, Lucy!" She heard Haleh shout from the window. Lucy put on a smile and rubbed her head.

"Hey, Lucy, wanna cut the cake?" Chuny said pointing the table and holding out a knife for her. Lucy looked at the knife and inhaled deeply. She was hesitant about taking it and the only people who seemed to notice were Mark and Elizabeth.

"Actually, Chuny, why don't I do that?" He said leaving Elizabeth's side and grabbing the knife. Lucy gave him a look that said "thank you" and he smiled at her nodding at her. "Here you go." He said handing her the first slice.

"Where on earth did you guys find a cake in such short notice?" Lucy asked taking a bite.

"We have our ways." Abby said smiling and throwing a wink her waytaking a piece too.

"Where the hell is everybody?" Kerry said storming into the Lounge. "What are you people doing? We have traumas coming in. GSW, ETA 2 minutes. Why are all of you eating cake?"

"Didn't you hear, chief?" Dave said finishing his slice and moving up to Lucy and placing his arm around her. "Lucy's back!" He smiled again and Kerry looked at Lucy a little confused.

"Lucy? My god. Look at you!" She said noting her hair change like Haleh had, and Lucy just shrugged with a small smile. "Well, welcome back. Come to my office in about 30 minutes and we'll talk about why you're back, okay?"

"You got it, but actually I got to get going." Dave groaned and before he could ask why, she answered. "I need to go to my old apartment and steal it back from the person I sublet to. I'll be back then." She threw away her plate and walked over to Lydia who handed her the bag and dirty clothes, all the while a sweet smile playing on her face. Lucy hugged Lydia and the others, thanked them and after Kerry left, the others piled out too.

"Hey, Lucy!" Mark called after her when the trauma came in, but before he ran with it he ran up to her still at the Lounge door. "Why don't you stick around? We'll only be about 30 minutes, like Kerry said and your apartment hunt could take longer." She nodded her head understanding.

"Uh, hey, Dr. Greene." She called after him this time as he went after the trauma upon hearing Kerry shout at him. "I was wondering, uh…" He was standing in front of her now with his hands on his waist. "…Could you do anything about these?" She asked pointing to the stitches on her neck.

"You didn't get those taken out?" He asked observing the stitches with his fingers.

"No, my doctor said they weren't ready to come out."

"Well, when I'm done with this trauma and you finish with Kerry, I'll see what I can do." He smiled and she returned it as he ran to the trauma. With a heavy sigh, Lucy went back into the Lounge but not after noticing Frank giving her a funny look.

"Wonder what else has changed." She muttered grabbing a cup of coffee.

_**Chapter 8: Changes Anyone?**_

**Preview:** Lucy and Carter talk again after 5 months.


	8. Changes Anyone?

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes up to chapter 5 are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 8: Changes Anyone?**_

"_While I'm asleep  
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret  
What if I make the change?  
What if I loose my courage  
This time?"_

"Okay, sorry to make you wait as long as you had to, Lucy, but you know these traumas they're very unpredictable." Kerry said sitting behind a desk across from Lucy. She'd kept her waiting for nearly 2 hours, it was alredy nightfall when Kerry was finished.

"I know it all too well, Dr. Weaver." She lowered her head and put her hand on the scars on her neck.

"Well...what are you doing here, Lucy?" She started noticing Lucy's discomfort.

"As you may or may not know, I left to go home and be with my family during my recovery. After nearly 5 months of physical therapy, I have the ability to walk again--without a cane or anything at all. Um, I was hoping I could come back to work again. Start where I left off."

"That's a lot to ask, Lucy." She replied and Lucy's heart sank. "I'm glad you're back, really, I am. But…we have new Med students and there are no residents left that would be able to teach you. Didn't you try to complete your Psych rotation at your hospital back home?"

"I did but the doctors said they couldn't let me until I was back to full health, and by that time--"

"By that time, you would already be making your way back here." She finished for her with a small smile. Lucy nodded with a faint smile.

"Exactly. Dr. Weaver, I know I'll most likely have to start from scratch but I'm willing to do that if it means I can continue to work here and finally graduate." Kerry paused for a moment in thought.

"Alright, I'll make you a deal." She said standing up and walking toward Lucy. "I'll let you get back to work on your Psych rotation and we'll work out your schedule tomorrow. As for your resident, I'm sure Dr. Legaspi would be more than happy to have you." Lucy stood up and smiled at Kerry and shook her hand.

"Thank you so much, Dr. Weaver. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"You're going to make a great doctor, Lucy. When you graduate, whenever that is, we still have to hash out those details, I'd be glad to have you on my staff." Lucy smiled and nodded gratefully and opened the door to leave but Kerry stopped her.

"Uh, Lucy, ayou taking any medication?" She asked rather nervously. Lucy didn't know about what happened to Carter and Kerry was, to say the least, a little worried she'd gone through the same thing.

"Just a painkiller my doctor prescribed. My legs get a little sore at times so…" She trailed off hoping Kerry got her meaning.

"Okay, I'd like to take a look at that later on. Tomorrow too, I suppose. Get everything done at once."

"Okay. Is that all? Dr. Greene said he wanted to see me too." She half lied. Lucy didn't want to tell Kerry that Mark was going to be checking her stitches. Kerry might find that inappropriate considering that she had them all over her body. Not just from the stab wounds but from when her check was cracked open.

"Yeah, that's all. Come in tomorrow morning between 6: 30 and 9 o'clock, whatever works for you, and we'll get you set up."

"Alright, thanks, Dr. Weaver. Uh, have you seen Carter at all today? I wanted to apologize to him. We didn't exactly leave on good terms."

"He should be in the Lounge. His shifts almost over." Lucy nodded and thanked Kerry again and headed downstairs to find Mark and Carter. _His shifts almost over? That's odd. Carter normally works to all hours of the hight. Why is shift almost over? Makes no sense. _She reached the front desk and almost called out for Jerry but corrected herself when Frank came into sight.

"Frank, do you know where Dr. Greene is?"

"Dr. Greene was in the Lounge with Drs. Carter and Corday. But he said that he had to go to a dinner with his parents, then he and Dr. Corday left."

"Dammit!" She shouted with much frustration. She slapped the admit desk and gave a sigh of defeat. it was at that moment she saw Frank give her strange look, as if she was crazy. "Sorry."

"He left you a message. He said he was sorry and would find you tomorrow to do what you planned."

"And just what are you planning with Dr. Greene?" She heard Chuny joked walking into the Lounge. She ignored that comment, rolling her eyes.

"Thanks, Frank." She with a slightly annoyed tone from Chuny's comment. He nodded and went back to the ringing phones.Fixing the strap of her bag on her shouldershe took a deep breath. More than anything right now she wanted to take a painkiller but didn't dare in front Frank. He'd been eyeing her all day and he just made her very uncomfortable. As she was walking out she heard a voice behind her talking to Frank. Normally, Lucy would've ignored this, but the voice was so familiar. She turned around and felt her breath catch in her throat. "Carter?" He was laughing at something Frank had said and turned around, the smile leaving his face.

"Lucy?" Apparently, he didn't get the memo that she'd returned. A little joke of Daves and the nurses at her expense. _This would be so much easier if he already knew I was here. _He looked her up and down just staring at her for a moment like Dave had done. Setting his bag down, obviously leaving the Lounge to go home, a detail which still confused her, he walked over to her and she smiled.

"Hey, Carter. How are you?" She asked nervously trying to sound as if nothing had changed.

"Lucy!" He laughed, rushing to her and hugged her, picking her up off the ground a few inches and spinned her around twice before setting her down. She laughed and hugged him back so glad that he was happy to see her. This day had gone better than she thought it would. "What are you doing here? That's not what I mean. What I mean is…what did you do to your hair? I didn't mean that either. I'm sorry, it's just…your back. You are back, right?" He spoke so quickly Lucy wasn't sure what answer first, let alone how.

"Yes, I'm gonna work out my new schedule tomorrow and possibly start work the day after or next week. Whatever Dr. Weaver decides. How have you been?"

"Good! Good! Well, as good as good can be." He said the earlier happiness leaving his voice as he looked slightly toward the ground. Lucy saw this and looked at Carter confused.

"Did I miss something?" She asked hoping to get an answer but received none.

"More than you know." He said moving away from her to pick up his bag.

"Oh, my god. Did you talk to Dave? He said that very same thing." She said half laughing as they started to walk outside together.

"See 'ya, Frank! Page me if I'm desperately needed!" He called back as they walked outside into the slightly sticky August air. "So...how have you been?"

"Great!" She said smiling but it quickly fading as she chuckled scratching her head. "I'm exaggerating. I've been good. You?"

"About the same, really. Didn't we already go over that?" He said moving to the bench smiling. He didn't want to leave just yet. Lucy was back and he wanted to talk to her like he used to. Only less loud. "Any news? Changes I should be up on?"

"Besides me no longer being in a wheelchair?" She joked on the outside but inside, Carter knew what she was feeling. Joking about what happened seemed to make the truth hurt less. "Nothing big. New medications, hair change, and smoking count?"

"Yeah, your hair. It's nice. I like it, though I'm gonna miss the blonde. Did you say smoking?" He asked suddenly changing the subject.

"I'm not gonna miss it. The blonde, that is, and yes." She reached down in her bag and pulled out a pack showing them to him. She gave a half-hearted smile and put them away.

"You smoke now?" He thought about how he and Abby had talked in Doc Magoos when he first came back. She took up smoking too. This place and the stuff that happened here seemed to do that to people--make them do things you thought they'd normally never do. "Jeez, why?"

"Well, I was in a bad place, as you know, and well...let me put it to you this way, emotional roller coaster that never should've stopped did. What can I say? Shit happens." His eyes went wide hearing her say that.

"Lucy! God! You've really changed!" He couldn't help but laugh saying this and pretty soon she joined him.

"I know. Believe me, I know. But enough about me, what about you? How much have you changed?" Carter hesitated. He wasn't sure if he should tell her. He wasn't sure if he should tell her that after she went away he became a drug addict and had to live in rehab for 3 months because of his grief. He wasn't sure if he should tell her that when she left, he was so alone and couldn't talk to anybody. He wasn't sure if he should say all the things he wanted say, that he had pent up inside him since the day she left.

"Uh...little things, you know." She could tell he was holding something back. After working with the people at Cook County over a long period of time, a week at most, you could always tell when someone was lying or only telling you half of something.

"I won't go into it. Whatever you went through must've been rough but I won't push. You can tell me when you're ready, if you want." He looked up at her and saw that smile. It was so infectious and he smiled back at her and wrapped his arm around her. They sat there for a few more moments in silence as if nothing had changed. They easily slipped back into their normal routine and they'd only been together for 5 minutes.

Lucy couldn't lie, she'd missed Carter so much when she left--him most of all. He wasn't just her teacher but she thought of him as a friend. Maybe her best friend. She valued his opinion, on certain subjects, and trusted him. Though he would never say it, Carter felt the same way about Lucy. He knew what everyone would say about them behind their backs and he didn't care for one reason: what they thought would happen, never would. It was impossible for he and Lucy to become romantically invovlved. But that night, sitting there and talking in each others arms felt so right. How could it be wrong?

_**Chapter 9: First Day**_

**Preview: **With new rules to play by, Lucy has an interesting first day.


	9. First Day

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes up to chapter 5 are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 9: First Day**_

"_Everything seems so strange  
Try but I can't seem to make a decision  
That's right  
I feel it pounding like a drum  
Inside my brain  
I feel it  
If it doesn't stop I'll go insane  
I feel it  
Tearing at my soul."_

Lucy work up to the sound of her blaring alarm clock. She rubbed her head half asleep and rolled over and slammed her hand down on it. Reluctantly, she sat up and swung her feet over the edge of her bed. After releasing a deep sigh she got up and left her room and headed to the kitchen. Her roommate, Shealynn Dodge, fell off her bed at the sound of Lucy's alarm clock. Shealynn, a tall and somewhat muscular girl, had straight, long dark red hair that traveled to her lower back and dark blue eyes. She was the girl that Lucy sublet her apartment too while she left. Since the place had two rooms though and Lucy didn't want to kick her out on the streets, she stayed and pays half the rent.

"Lucy?" She said coming out her room and into the kitchen. There, she saw Lucy making a cup of hot tea. "It's 5: 30, what are you doing up? It's still dark out." Lucy put a mug of water into the microwave and pressed a few buttons, letting it heat up.

"Sorry, Shea." She said with a sincere smile using her friends nickname. "But I have to get to the hospital soon. I thought it best if I got up early and got a shower before you had to get to work. You can go back to sleep." She said pulling a box of tea bag out of a cupboard.

"Too late now!" She said with a smile and surprisingly cheerful tone. "I'm wide awake!" Lucy couldn't help put lower her head and laugh as Shealynn came into the kitchen to get a mug for herself.

"No, let me do that." Lucy said taking the mug from her friend. "Go take your shower while I make you some tea. I'll take my shower after you."

"Alright. But make mine a coffee. I'll need it if I'm gonna stay awake the rest of the day." She chuckled leaving the kitchen and heading toward the bathroom. Lucy laughed too as she put the box of tea bag away and moved toward the coffee maker. After both Shealynn and Lucy finished their showers and breakfast, they headed to work. Lucy the hospital, Shealynn an aerobics gym; she was an instructor. Lucy waited patiently at the El, her jacket tightly wrapped around her, it had been colder than usual that morning. It almost felt like it would snow even though it was August.

"I hate the cold. I hate the cold. I _hate_ the cold." She muttered to herself while rubbing her arms briskly trying to keep warm. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a wool knit hat she bought back home. It reminded her of the one Carter had since she was back in Chicago. It never did before that moment. Ignoring that thought, she rushed to get it down over her ears to keep them warm, then went straight back to warming her arms.

"You too?" She heard a voice from behind her. Turning around she saw Carter with a ridiculous smile as he stood next to her.

"How can you be smiling? It's freezing! And it's August! It's not supposed to be freezing! If anything, we should be sweating our butts off in shorts right now!" She joked, but she wasn't wrong.

"Look at this way: the sooner the El gets here, the sooner we can get to County and the sooner we can get warm." He siad putting his gloved hands in his pockets.

"Yeah. Well, I can think of better ways to get warm than waiting to get to County." She mumbled as for Carter not to here her. The El soon around and pretty soon they were at County, warm at last. They walked in together and it didn't go unnoticed by everyone. Carter headed to the Lounge, with Lucy's bag to put in his locker per her request, after saying good bye to Lucy who was heading toward the elevators.

She had to go see Kerry about her new schedule and how many hours she'd be working. Needless to say, Lucy was nervous. Not only did she still have to talk to people she hadn't seen since she'd returned, but she had to figure out how she was going to handle her renewed friendship with Carter. It was great having him back in her life, but having him back made this complicated. More so than she needed. She shook her head and ran a hand through her hair, placing the hat in her pocket. She'd calmed down a bit and reached Kerry's office door. She walked in and the nervousness came right back as she saw Drs. Greene and Anspaugh with her.

"Sit down, Lucy." Mark said gesturing to the chair. She unbottoned her jacket and sat down like he said, the nervousness building up even more. "There's nothing to be nervous about, Lucy." _Easy for you to say. _"We just want to talk about what you've been up to and what you'll be doing." He gave her a small reassuring smil to comfort her but it didn't work.

"Um, where do I begin?" She chuckled softly trying to lighten the mood and calm herself, but once again, it didn't work. "Well, I left I went home to complete my physical therapy, as you know. I did with better results than expected. As Dr. Weaver knows, I tried to finish my Psych rotation at the local hospital but they said they couldn't with me in..." She lowered her head a bit and cleared her throat before continuing, and before Mark or Kerry could say anything. "After I was released with a full bill of health, I decided to come back here." _After much debate and arguements from my mother, mind you. _"I've been back for almost a week now and that's basically it."

"Well, Miss Knight, you've come back at a rather...well, stressful time, to say the least." Dr. Anspaugh started to explain. _Here it comes. Rejection: application denied table for one. _Lucy shifted her weight in the seat and both Mark and Kerry noted her fidgeting. "With losing Jerry, Nurse Hathaway, Ms. Lockhart a full-time nurse, Dr. Chen just going on maternity leave, almost losing Dr. Benton and Dr. Carter's...problem..." He sighed deeply relieving the obvious frustration. _Carol's gone? Where to? Abby's a nurse and Dr. Chen's on maternity leave? I didn't even know she was pregnant. I don't even know what to think about Dr. Benton, or Dr. Carter for that matter. What's going on? _"...We'd be glad to have an extra hand onboard. We need all the help we can get."

"Oh. Thank you so much, Dr. Anspaugh." She said respectfully not showing too mush enthusiamsim. Lucy got up and grabbed her things to leave as Mark and Kerry smiled lowering their heads so Dr. Anspaugh wouldn't see. The last thing they needed was for him to see that they were ecstatic to have her back. He might think it too unprofessional.

"Ms. Knight, before you go, I'd like to discuss something else with you." He continued and Lucy sat back down, the happinessmelting into worryment.

"Excuse me, Dr. Anspaugh, but I was told that there was nothing left to discuss." Kerry piped up. It seemed odd to Lucy that she was coming to her defense. That was until Mark agreed with her. At that point, Lucy was so nervous that she barely heard Anspaugh talk. He went on and on and all Lucy could think was: _What am I gonna tell Shea? _

_**Chapter 10: Awkward Scars**_

**Preview: **Carter, Lucy and Alex get to know each other a little better.

**_A/N:_** Just for reference:

Shealynn (Sh-a-lynn)

Shea (Sh-a)


	10. Awkward Scars

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes up to chapter 5 are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 10: Awkward Scars**_

Lucy stepped out of the elevator and she walked down the long, blood smelling halls of County General. It didn't go unnoticed by her that Frank was still eyeing her as if she couldn't be trusted. He looked as though he wanted to say something to her but the phone went off and he forgot about in an instant. Lucy was about to go into the lounge to grab a quick cup of coffee and get her bag out of Carter's locker when, as if Fate intervined, there he was. He was leaving the Lounge just as she opened the door and he hit in her head.

"Lucy? Geez, I'm sorry." He apologized helping her to her feet while she rubbed her head.

"It's not a big deal, Carter. I'm used to this dorr kicking my ass. Kicking my head's a new one, but I'm used to it all the same." He couldn't help but chuckle. Carter, and even Lucy, was a mazed that she had a sense of humor even now. Carter looked at the Admit desk and noticed that the few nurse that were there were watching them.

"What are you still doing here?" He asked ushering her inside the Lounge. The nurses, containing Haleh, Yosh, Chuny and Lydia, started laughing. "I thought your shift ended an hour ago."

"It did. Drs. Greene, Weaver and Anspaugh needed to discuss my..." Lucy thought for a moment trying to place the right word. "...New schedule with me. I asked to hold it off, but they wouldn't have it."

"New schedule?" He asked pouring himself yet another cup of coffee. "Want some?" He asked gesturing a cup to her.

"Yes!" She sighed contently. "I missed the good old Cook County coffee."

"This sludge?" He laughed again with a big grin. "Drinking it doesn't come without a price, Lucy."

"Oh, really?" She coaxed him taking the cup. "And what price is that?" She finished taking a sip at the same time as him.

"Tastebuds." She nearly spit out her coffee when he said this. He cracked up laughing when he saw Lucy cover her mouth and nose to keep the sludge from coming out.

"Very funny." She said dumping out the coffe, having gotten over the craving.

"Back to the point, new schedule?" He asked getting back on topic as she moved from him to his locker to get out her bag.

"Yeah. I, uh...okay, this is a little embarassing." She turned around to face him with her hand scratching her head, as if she was trying to compose a sentence thatr would make this whole conversation less awkward. She had a feeling that wouldn't happen. "I have to go to Psych for therapy three times a week starting tomorrow."

"What?" He blurted out almost spitting out his coffee this time. "Do you who you're gonna be "confessing you inner most secrets to?"" He joked regaining his composure more quickly than she had.

"I don't know or care. This is a stupid question, but do you how long Dr. Greene is on for tonight?"

"No, but I know a GSW is coming in so he'll be busy for a while. Why?"

"Any chance he'll be done soon?" She asked fishing for that small glint of hope.

"Probably not. I was going to assist but Kerry told to lay off. Can't do more than two traumas a day. But I got a look at the patients chart. Not good. He'll be tied up for a few hours at least."

"Dammit!" She cursed placing her hand on her forehead, the feeling of worryment rushing back to her. She completely disreguarded the fact that he said he could only do two traumas a day. "He was supposed to check my stitches. He was going to yesterday but...well, you remember. I guess it'll have to wait another day."

"Don't be silly. I'm your former Resident and a doctor. I'll do it. Come here." She was a little hesitant, but nodded and he finished his coffee and led her to an exam room after grabbing a suture kit. She sat down on the bed as Carter pulled up a chair. Lucy removed her white jacket and untucked her shirt. Carter lifted her head up and pulled a light down to better examine her neck for when she had the Trach. He looked at the stitches carefully and it seemed like she was sitting there forever.

"Well, how do they look? What's the diagnosis?"

"They look good. Actually...I think they're ready to come out." She whipped her head down to look at him happily.

"Really? You're not joking?" She asked and Carter chuckled not believing what he was hearing.

"Of course not! At least the ones on your neck are ready. I'll check the others now if you want."

"Definately. If it means for them to come out, I'll do anything."

"Alright. Uh, according to your old chart--" He started out beginning to prepare the suture kit.

"You saw my old chart?" She interrupted him quickly a little taken back.

"Yeah. When you were comatose, I had Carol do frequent check ups and then report to me. This was before she left for Seattle." He informed her with a heavy sigh.

"Seattle?" _So that's where she went._

"Yeah. She went to be with Doug. I thought I told you that? Anyway, according to your chart, you had to get stitches on you back, stomach and chest. So, if you don't mind, I need you to take off your shirt." Her eyes went a little wide as he said this without a second thought. "I can get Lydia or Chuny if you want? They should be on-call at the desk."

"No, it's alright. I just want this over." She got off the bed and Carter wheeled back to give her some room. She turned her back to face him, why she didn't know. He'd just be seeing her chest soon anyway. Lucy thought it gave aher a bit of comfort that he could only see her back as she removed her shirt. She turned around reluctantly and sat back down on the bed. Carter, she noted, was just as hesitant about this as her.

"Jesus Christ." He muttered so she wouldn't hear but tit didn't work.

"I heard that." She said looking down at him. He looked up quickly to apologize but she didn't let him get the chance. "It's alright, Carter. I say the same thing every morning." He nodded shortly and went back to removing the stitches that covered her back. "So..uh, how have you been?" She asked as if they were just standing around talking normally.

"Like I said, fine." he said smiling at how she hadn't changed a bit besides the smoking, well, as far as he knew. "Better since--"

"I left?" She interuptted sadly looking down at the floor.

"I was going to say "since you came back."" He corrected her with a small smile at how silly she could be.

"Oh. Why's that?" She smiled in relief but couldn't help but ask him why.

"Things just...weren't the same without you." He half lied, still not ready to tell her what happened to him.

"Couldn't find someone to yell at?" She joked but flinched a bit as he finished the last stich in her back.

"Yell at? I never yelled at you." He said as she turned around and she just scoffed. "Pushed you to work hard, yes, but never yell."

"Oh, really?" She cleared her throat and put on her best Carter imitation. ""Go check on your patients! They've been waiting for hours!" "You can do it by yourself. I can't babysit you forever!""

"Okay! Okay! I get the point." He quickly said stopping her from recounting his many mistakes.

"Glad to hear it." They fell into silence again as Carter worked his way up her chest from where she'd been cracked open. "Oh, god." She sighed painfully. "It hurts so much. More than I expected."

"I know." He said in a reassuring tone. "I'm lying. I have know I idea." He corrected himself this time. He really did have no idea what Lucy had been through and that had been one of his many regrets. For so long Carter wanted to turn back time and switch places with her.

"At least you're being honest." She said giving him a reassuring smile, telling him she understood and didn't blame him for trying.

"Better late than never." He luaughed as he pulling out the last stich on her chest. "Alright. That wasn't so bad, was it? Okay, last and certainly not least, your neck."

"It's almost over." She whispered to herself, as if trying muster up the courage to let him continue. To not leave the room until he's finished.

"Yup." He replied shortly, concentrating hard as not to mess up. The last thing he wanted was to give Lucy another scar. "That's it. You're done." He smiled pulled out the last stich, starting to clean up.

"Thanks, Carter. I don't think I would've been able to handle another day with these things. I was ready to pull them out with my bare hands." She said sitting still, watching him clean up.

"Well, it's a good thing you didn't. You could've caused an infection. Or worse."

"I know, I know." She replied sheepishly as he talked to her like he was a parent. "Thanks again, Carter."

"No problem." At that moment, unknowingly to both of them, they started to move closer together. Their heads, their lips; they were moving in for a kiss which their hearts wanted since the attack, but their heads knew could never happen. Mere inches away, they closed their eyes and as their lips were about to touch...

"Dr. Carter?" Alex shouted opening the door quickly. Lucy hopped back onto the table quickly as Carter put his hand to his hand and spun around to face his new Med student. "Dr. Carter, you all right?" He asked looking from him to Lucy, whose face was now in her hands.

"Yes, Alex. yes. What did you need?" He asked as nicely as possible putting his arm around Alex's shoulder, leading him out of the room. Closing the door behind them, Lucy sighed and couldn't help but laugh as she put her shirt back on. Sighing again, the smile never leaving her face, she ran her fingers through her hair.

"I am _so_ sorry, Lucy." carter said coming back into the room, once agian closing the door behind him. "That was Alex, he's my new Med student. He needed me to sign off on a chart."

"Oh, I guess you did have someone else to yell at." She joked still smiling. Lucy remembered how she used to embarass so easily before, and now, she hardly ever did. But that didn't stop her face from turning red when Alex opened the door. "Um, whatever happened to Mr. Sobriki?" Carter looked at her for a moment in shock.

"Of all things to talk about after..._that_, you want to talk about him?" She just nodded. Carter understood though, Lucy needed to know. More so than anyone. "Alright. He went to court on a charge of manslaughter. All of us here testified and he's in a mental institution now. Once he's released from there, whenever that is, he'll serve a about a 10-20 year sentence in jail. Hopefully."

"Good. He deserves it." She replied coldly. "I know tht must sound a little selfish of me, but after everything that's happened...I wish I could've been there. To testify myself, that would've been..."

"Hard?" He put in for her and she nodded a little sad. "It _was_ hard--for all of us. These past five months have been an abosolute nightmare."

"You want a nightmare? Try being inside my head at night, dreaming, and then you can talk to me about nightmares."

"You see it too, don't you? I relive that day every night."

"Me too." She confessed fidgeting with her hands. "Carter, when I said I blamed you--" She started looking at the floor.

"You were right. It was my fault. If I had just listened to you--"

"I was lying." She said at last followed by looking him in his eyes. "I don't blame you. I don't even blame Paul Sobriki. I blame myself. I guess that's why I'm going to therapy 3 times a week now."

"To be honest, Lucy, I thought about what you said after you left and I want to apologize."

"You have nothing to apoloize for." She said dumbfounded that he thought he did.

"Yes, I do." he replied quickly without thinking.

"Carter, what could you possibly have to apologize for? It wasn't your fault that I--"

"Almost died?" He interjected angrily. "You did die, Lucy! You were clinically dead for 2 minutes."

"It's over, Carter. It's in the past. Put it behind you." She said waving it off as if it was nothing and he couldn't belive it.

"I can't! Not when I know that I could've done something! Knowing when none of this had to happen! And not when I can't regret almost kissing you five minutes ago."

"Carter, that was a mistake and an arguement waiting to happen." She said half heartedly. "I think I should go home now. Thanks for the check up, Carter. Goodnight." She said picking up her bag and jacking and rushing out of the room. Carter stood there and replayed what he'd said in his head and what Alex had asked him: "That your girlfriend, Dr. Carter? I thought we couldn't bring dates into the hospital." Alex just smiled coyly and would hear Carter tell him the truth. He just left after Carter gave him the signature, a little bounce in his step.

_**Chapter 11: Confessions of the Heart**_

**Preview: **Lucy learns about what's really been going on since she was away.


	11. Confessions of the Heart

_**A/N:**_ I don't own ER or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song _State of Mind_ by Merril Bainbridge. Thanx for all the reviews! I'm happy to have so many loyal fans!

Cartergal131: Thanx! I really wanted to write Alex in somewhere and that moment just seemed perfect. Or at least it seemed like it would actually happen. I mena, come on! It's Carter and Lucy! They were interupted by Haleh last time.

Alicia: Wow! That's the longest review I've ever gotten! I agree with you on the Carcy charisma. The song I heard in a movie in health class and it just stuck with me. I wanted a song to go with this fic and_ State of Mind_ fit the bill perfectly. Lucy problem will surface more in Part 2. Until then, I'll be dropping hints. But I can assure you that Carter will save the day in some form. I can't say anymore. Sorry!

_**Chapter 11: Confessions of the Heart **_

_"Where do I go from here?  
Or am I just like a clock spinning round  
Everything seems unclear"_

The Psych patients weren't as bad as Lucy thought they would be, or rather she feared they would be. Lucy still had a hard time going up there and, though she would never admit it openly, she never wanted to be alone with one of the patients. She wasn't ready for that, not just yet. Lucy saw Dr. Legaspi on a regular basis, but she couldn't help noticing that she would go down to the ER a lot. She didn't understand. Whenever tests needed to be called in or files needed to be sent up to them, she always told Lucy she'd go down and see to it personally. It made absolutely no sense.

More time passed and Carter noted on Lucy's less than frequent visits to the ER. But when she did come around, she'd come and talk with him and Dave mainly, either in the Lounge, cafeteria or outside. Whenever they talked outside, she'd always have a cigarette in hand. The fact that Lucy smoked made him so uncomfortable. It just wasn't her at all. He tried to confront her about many times, to try and get her to quit. His little way of making it up to her after not helping her with Ritalin and the Alex incident. She would tell him off and assure him that she wasn't some addict on heroin or cocaine. He knew this but it didn't help matters when she knew what smoking could do to her and she did it anyway as if she hadn't a clue.

The next few months had been pretty normal. Chen, unknown to Lucy and a few of the other hospital employees, had the baby and after a few comforting words from Carter, her coach, she finally let the baby go. It had been much harder than she expected but Carter saw her through it and no one was more grateful than she was. Good news aside, Kerry had been battling Luka over calling the authorities about an illegal sweatshop employing one of his patients, which caused the owners to torch the place. Meanwhile, Peter and Cleo had gotten back together at some point and after Kenisha trashed Cleo's apartment, while hiding her from some boys, Peter told Cleo that he loved her. She was shocked to hear this news but happy about it all the same.

Carter's life had not been as blissful. A few days before he had swallowed some Vicodin and he confided in Abby. She told Carter that the best thing for him to do was to tell Kerry. He refused, of course, knowing full well that he would be fired if he did. Carter caved though and decided to tell her about his mistake after a schedule evacuation. After the evacuation though, Kerry told Carter that everyonewas pleased with the work he'd been doing and that they were very proud of him. She asked him if there was anything that he wanted to discuss. Carter just opened his mouth, unsure of what to say. He didn't want to disappoint her after she had told him that. By a stroke of luck, Abby came in telling them about an incoming Trauma. Later, when Carter and Abby were talking, he explained that he just didn't get the chance to tell Kerry. That was the last straw. Abby resigned as his sponsor. At that point, Carter decided it was best to tell Kerry. She listened and told him to keep going to the meetings while she thought of what to do. Lucy still didn't know about his addiction and nobody told her but, in all her immense knowledge, she knew he was hiding something big and doing a good job at keeping it secret since none of the nurses seemed to know. Or they weren't letting on that they knew.

In the wake of his Vicodin slip, Carter was banned from prescribing drugs. He later visited Chase at his home and admitted to his addiction. Then when Carter's date for a family function backed out on him, his first thought was to ask Lucy. But seeing as how she was still a student and the "incident" occurred, he thought it best not to. Abby, not wanting to lose her friendship with Carter, filled in as his date for the Carter family function and ended up seeing her ex-husband. He made a rude comment on her dress and she relieved her stress but relieving his car tires of air.

The hardest bit of news was that Mark had a brain tumor. Only Elizabeth knew this and they went to New York together to get the pest removed. It was decided that the tumor would be removed on New Year's Eve. No one at County knew why the two left for New York but they didn't worry much, just gossiped. Morning found that Elizabeth hasn't slept because shewas being called in for a meeting regarding her lawsuit. At the meeting, Elizabeth was told that the fault was with the equipment and that the hospital had settled the suit. She was stunned, to say the least, and upset that nothing more would be done for Mr. Patterson, but she accepted it. She wascalled to the ER and rode down in the elevator with none other than Mr. Patterson. Elizabeth apologized to him but he didn't accept it. Later, in surgery, Elizabeth became too upset to think clearly when the surgerywent sour so she told the attending nurse to get Romano and then left with Mark for home.

Mark, eventually, came back to work but mixed up his pronouns. He would sometimes refer to a male patient as a "she." Elizabeth, on the same day Mark returned, froze again during surgery, but was able to overcome her fears. Romano talked Benton into taking a job as County's Director of Diversity. Mark was still not at one hundred percent. He had trouble finding the right words and he had no patience whatsoever. Romano alerted Kerry to the problem and she ended up calling someone who could help ascertain whether or not Mark was fit for work. Mark was furious to learn about his Competency Review and Elizabeth screamed at Kerry about ordering it. Chen returned from her maternity leave and was shocked to see everyone be so supportive about her putting her baby up for adoption. Mark eventually got his Competency results: he passed.

A suicidal teenaged girl who caused a train crash a few days back had accused Dr. Legaspi of sexual misconduct. Kerry was more concerned with hiding their relationship so Legaspi dumped her. April Fool's Day caused the staffers to play pranks on each other, Dave getting the worst of them. Meanwhile, Elizabeth endured a particularly long surgery just to prove that she still could even though she waspregnant.

On the biggest day of all, Mark overcame numerous obstacles, mostly weather-related, in order to get to the church to marry Elizabeth, who was stuck with both of her bickering, divorced parents. Cleo didn't want to go to the wedding since the bride was Peter's ex-girlfriend. Abby had a major cold and couldn't leave the hospital to go to the wedding due to the fact that most of the nurses were at the wedding themselves. Many patients came in to the ER that day from an accident involving a prison van. Carter and Luka got into a pissing contest twice. First, over Carter's refusal to give up on a brain dead patient. Second, over giving pain medication to a recovering addict who didn't want narcotics. Carter couldn't believe that Abby was going out with him. They also clashed over the treatment of an injured cop and a prisoner with a dislocated shoulder.

While waiting for a flight to Vegas, Kerry, who wasn't invited to the wedding, striked up a conversation and shared a fewdrinks with a friendly man, who was definitely attracted to her. He giave her his card and number, but she gave it to a waiter. Chen started to miss her son and regreted her final decision; the impact of her actions finally hit her. Mark managed to get to the church and marry Elizabeth in front of the invited guests like Romano and the party crashers like Dave. Elizabeth, with much stress on her plate, went into labor a few months later and delivered a baby girl who she and Mark named Ella.

Lucy managed to arrive at the wedding as well, a little late and flustered, but arrived. Like Luka, she had gone head to head with her former Resident over the treatment of a patient. She believed that woman needed to go up to Pysch for further review and he didn't agree. At some point, they got to Paul Sobriki and Lucy questioned Carter's ability to make accurate choices. She stormed off, with the patient and he ended up taking an extra long break. They'd fought in front of Luka, Abby, Frank, Yosh, Malik, Lydia and the newly returned Jerry. The two of them gave the gossip mill all the fuel they needed to get a fire going when everyone elsereturned.

It was a slow day that April. A few kids came in with stomach cramps and a sore throat. Something about April made kids very sick. Lucy assumed it was the fact that the school year was so close to ending. She noticed that Legaspi never went to the ER anymore, not since the beginning of March. She didn't understand why at all and really didn't think she'd want to. Lucy was now on the roof, a place she came to more often than not since her shocking return. She never noticed it before but it was rather nice up there. A good place to hide from Kerry if anything else. Carter, silently, came up to the roof himself to think but quickly realized he wasn't alone. He stood behind the lone figure of Lucy Knight who sat facing out into the brightly lit city of Chicago, cigarette in hand. He grimaced at that fact for a second before speaking.

"It's a beautiful view, isn't it?" He asked sitting next to her. Lucy just nodded slightly.

"It is. I can see now why so much angsting is done up here: the view. It just makes everything you're going through, what you're bitching about and even your bad day so...it makes you feel so insignificant." They were silent for a moment before Carter lowered his head.

"How are your...uh, you know?" He said pointing to her neck where a scar was.

"Oh, their fine. All of them. Healing nicely thanks to you." She said smiling inclining her head toward his a bit then back. He couldn't help but smile back proudly. "What do you want, Carter?" He looked at her taken aback at how blunt she was. "Look, I know you want to talk about something and it's either to tell me something or because you want something. So, which is it?"

"How perceptive of you." He said chuckling and running a hand through his hair. "Uh, I wanted to tell you something."

"Thought as much. What is it?" She asked growing a little concerned, taking a long puff of her cigarette to calm her nerves.

"When you left last April, I...I uh, I fell into a drug addiction." Lucy coughed, choking on the smoke from her own little drug. She was shocked to hear this about Carter, her best friend. _How did this happen? How is this even possible? Wait. That must be why his days were shortened and he couldn't do more than two Traumas. _"Shocked?" He asked in a joking tone while she caught her breath. "You know, those things can kill you." He joked again.

"Yeah. I'm getting that." She regained her composure, taking a deep breath before continuing. "How, Carter? I mean, why? I don't understand."

"Remember how you said you started smoking because the "emotional roller coaster" you were on "that never should've stopped did?"" She nodded remembering it clearly. _How can I forget? That was the first time we talked to each other in five months? _"Well, same thing. You left and I really believed that you blamed me for what happened and with the stress of physical therapy and Kerry and everything…it just got to me."

"I know that feeling all too well. The loneliness, the depression, the confusion, the self-doubt, that feeling that you have to please everyone in a time limit." She listed all the things he felt like they were nothing at all, like they were things people felt everyday. "It's what drove me to my Cancer inducing pal here." She said holding up the cigarette eye level. She scoffed softly, shaking her head disappointed slightly and threw it away from her. It's light extinguished and Carter looked at her a little shocked. "I've been meaning to quit." She smiled at him and he smiled back, placing his arm around her shoulder.

"Remember the last time we sat up here like this? That seems like forever ago."

"Yeah." She sighed contently and he did the same. She felt his chest move up and down and Lucy realized that she hadn't felt this relaxed in so long. Not since before Sobriki. Not since the moment Carter had just mentioned. "I missed you, Carter. I really did. I missed this." She said half-heartedly suddenly.

"This? You mean us sitting in silence and not fighting for once?" He laughed and so did she.

"No, well, yes, but no. I missed…us." He looked at her taken aback and she just gave him a big grin. Silence fell between them again and they couldn't tear their eyes away from each other. Lucy breath became shallow and she started to become uncomfortable, as did Carter. So she stood up and started to walk away. "I've got some patients to check on."

"Let Lydia or Haleh check them." He got up and followed her. "That's what their here for." Stepping in front of her, he blocked the door from her. He stared into her bright blue eyes and couldn't help but grin like a fool. He knew it would most likely be a mistake, but he couldn't help himself. To him, this seemed like a perfect moment to lean in and kiss her. The moonlight was shining down on them, they were alone, and they could hear the faint sounds of the city streets and the hospital rush below them. So, finished wrestling with him mind, he leaned in slowly and decided to place a soft kiss up on her lips.

Lucy knew when she saw him slowly approach her that he was leaning in to kiss her and she did nothing to stop him. moved forward into his waiting arms. Her eyes searched his face and Carter stayed still, wondering what she was looking for. He gently settled his hands at her waist when she leaned her forearms lightly against his chest. Though he wanted to clasp her tightly to him, he deliberately kept his hold loose. He didn't want to startle her. This way, if she wanted to pull away, she could.

Lucy sighed suddenly and Carter knew it was a release of tension. He lifted one hand, gently tracing her soft cheek with the palm of his hand, he brushed away some strands of hair from her lovely face. Her eyes drifted shut and she leaned into his touch for a minute, then her eyes opened and she smiled at him. Carter smiled back, the expression faltering only slightly when he had a moment of doubt.

He wanted to prove, on some level, he was worthy of her affections, that he could please her as she deserved. He'd always loved Lucy, since that brief, lingering moment in Exam 6, he'd loved her. Carter kicked himself constantly for denying his feelings for her. But even more so when she went along with it. Carter had no more time to worry because lucys lips were brushing his. The first touch was light...a test. She pulled away quickly to look at him but when something sparked between them, Lucy deepened the contact, pressing her lips fully against his. Carter closed his eyes, more than willing to simply feel what was happening. As her mouth moved infinitesimally over his, learning his shape he theorized in the back of his mind. He also knew that it was wrong. But was it? Lucy was no longer his student and she'd graduate in 3 months.

Lucy hesitantly lifted one of her hands to the side of his head, gently caressing the hair behind his ear. Carter hummed his approval of the gesture against her mouth and Lucy, more confidently, sank her fingers into his hair, her other arm looping around his neck. This freed him to tighten his arms around her waist, bringing her fully into contact with his body. Her curves fit against his body perfectly, the fact that she nearly matched his height now lining them up well--chest to chest, hip to hip.

Lucy's mouth parted slightly and she pressed warm, moist kisses on his lips. Carter splayed one hand over the small of her back, massaging in small circles. His other hand moved up to cup the back of her head. She nipped lightly at the fullness of his lower lip and he groaned softly when her tongue darted out to sooth the tiny hurt. Taking the cue from her to deepen their embrace, Carter opened his mouth and slowly stroked the seam of her lips with his tongue before she opened fully and let him in. Their tongues met tentatively, swirling and tasting. Both of them learning what they and the other liked.

Carter groaned softly when they broke apart for air minutes later. Lucy smiled shyly at him, but pulled her body away from his. The urge to pull her back into his arms was not as strong as the knowledge that he was not forward thinking enough to go against the hospital rules. It was close and they had waited so long. But when Lucy pulled away she cleared her throat and looked at him almost saddly.

"We can't do this. You know that, right?" She asked hugging herself to warm herself up again. She wanted to badly to stay close to Carter, to kiss him, to feel happy. She hadn't felt happiness, true happiness, in such a long time.

"Why not? I don't care, Lucy." He said moving closer to her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms seeing she was cold. "You are _not_ my student anymore. We can, Lucy." She had tears streaming down her face even though she made no sound. "I love you."

"No." She pulled away from him and walked toward the edge of the roof. "No, don't say that. You don't get to say that." She started to point at him angrily. "Not after everything that's happened do you get to say you..." She trailed off and put her arm down with defeat.

"What? I can't tell you the truth?" He countered her moving closer. He knew they were going to fight, he could sense it...so could she. He didn't want that, he hoped she didn't either. But it was too late, there they were. Back where they did what they did best together. "I love you , Lucy." More tears fell from her eyes and she gasped with a sob. he put his hands to her face again and wiped the tears away. She placed her own hands on his wrists and closed her eyes with a sigh.

"I...I-I love you, too." He smiled at her and she looked into his eyes. Carter's smile faded as he saw her face. It didn't show happiness or relief or even joy. Her face read guilt and regret. "I do love you, Carter. I always have. But I...I can't do this again. I can't." She took his hands off her face gently and hesistantly kissed him of his cheek. "I'm sorry." She whispered before pulling away from him. She walked back to her ice pack, grabbed him in a hurry and went ot the door. She walked as if she was going to a funeral: slow and depressed. Opening the door, she thought about looking back at him but decided not to. _This is the way it has to be. I can't do it again. I can't. I just can't. _before she reentered the hospital, Lucy reached into her pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills. She was almost out of Opioids. It was with a heavy sigh and much contentplaition that she opened the bottle and poured two pills into her hand. "To the devil with caution and false modesty." She mumbled randomly before throwing the pills into her mouth. Lucy cracked her neck on both sides to loosen up and shook her hands after putting the bottle back where it belonged, then continued on her journey to the noise and bustle of Cook County General.

Back on the roof though, Carter sighed deeply and felt his eyes start to well up. He searched the skies for something, unsure of what he was looking for. An anwser, a reason, a purpose? He didn't know. All he knew was that he loved Lucy and she loved him but couldn't. Carter thought her leaving killed him, but this...this was so much worse. When Lucy left, she left. She was gone, he didn't have to see her day after endless day. But now...he'd have to face her, their rocky and complex relationship and their even more complex feelings. On some level, Carter knew that they would stop seeing each other all together. After that, the nurses would start gossiping and then, somehow, they'd end up fighting...again.

**_Chapter 12: The Journey and the Destination_**

**Preview: **Lucy gets what she's wanted for so long.


	12. The Journey and the Desitination

_**A/N:**_ I don't own ER or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song _State of Mind_ by Merril Bainbridge. Thanx for all the reviews! I'm happy to have so many loyal fans!

LucyBethFan1: Sorry to disappoint you on Lucy decision. Don't worry, this is a Carcy, they WILL get together. Just not right away. I hate it when relationships are rushed.

Cartergal131: Perfect? Wow. I've never had my writing called perfect. Thanx! The recaps are easy to write with the internet around. All you really need to do is get the major point s and there you have it! Carter was going to tell Lucy about his addiction. That was part of the plot from the beginning. I love to write twists and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Here's the update, as requested!

_**Chapter 12: The Journey and the Destination**_

"Confusion is raising it's head  
And I can't make a sound  
I feel it tearing at my soul"

"Hey! There she is!" Jerry said from behind Admit Desk with a goofy red party hat on with all of the nurses too. Suddenly, Dave, Chen, Luka and Abby ran out from the Lounge and to join them. Abby had a hat on too and they all had noise makers. Mark and Elizabeth came around the corner with Carter in stride with them. The nurses and Jerry being the only ones with hats on their heads. Frank just rolled his eyes at Jerry and how ridiculous he looked.

"What's going on?" Lucy asked taking off her coat, going into the Lounge and coming back out to have Dave hugging her and hear the sound of laughter and noise makers. "Whoa! Dave! Dave! Stop it! What the hell is going on?" He put her down and pointed to the desk. Lucy looked at the desk and it had a banner around it. "'Congrats Grad?'""

"Ah, you can read, Ms. Knight!" Romano said with a cheerful and ever annoying tone as he strode down the hall. "Lizzie, need you up in surgery. Now." Elizabeth responded by giving Mark a quick kiss, Lucy a quick hug and a congradulations. "Love your hats." He said to the others in the ER before turning on his heel and walking up the hall. "Congradulations again, Dr. Knight!" He shouted back with a wave of his hand.

"'_Dr_. Knight?' You guys know?" She asked stunned looking at them. "How do you know?" Lucy hadn't told anyone she was graduating...well, graduated earlier today. It was the reason she asked Kerry when she first came in for a few hours off.

"Didn't I already tell you that we have our ways?" Abby said with a big smile blowing on her noise maker again.

"Oh, my god." Lucy mumbled with a big smile. She was glad that they cared and even more glad that they weren't mad at her for not telling. She walked behind Admit Desk and looked at the board as everyone started to take off their hats, put the noise makers in their pockets and go back to their patients. _At least there's no cake._ That was all she could think. When she'd returned, they got a cake in about 5 minutes.

"Lucy, you have some patients to see and now that you're an official doctor..." She said reaching into a drawer and pulled out a bottle of champagne. Lucy laughed and Kerry just smiled proudly handing it to her. "...Here. Just don't open that up in here. If you do, you're gone."

"Oh, gee. Thanks, Dr. Weaver." She said with a sarcastic lining. Lucy never was a big drinker. The only time alcohol really touched her lips was at the Halloween party a few years back, which ended badly as she vividly remembered, and at Mark and Elizabeth's wedding. Kerry nodded respectfully and walked off to an Exam room.

"You're doctor now, Lucy! Call me Kerry!" She shouted back to her from a door. Lucy chuckled and nodded to Kerry. Lucy shook her head at how silly this whole situation was as she went back into the Lounge to put the bottle in her locker. Luka was in there reviewing a chart alone and he glanced up at her momentarily.

"Okay, I want to know how you all found out about me graduating." She said closing her locker and turning to him.

"Your mother called while you were gone." He said with a devious grin. Luka looked up at her and saw her jaw drop. Lucy mumbled "Oh, my god," again and wrapped one arm around her waist while the other rested on it, her hand covering her face in embarassment. "She wanted to know what time the ceremony started so she wouldn't be late." Dave walked in with Abby close beind, arguing about a patient, but stopped when they saw Luka and Lucy talking.

"Well, she _was_ late." She responded through her hand with a laugh.

"That would be our fault, Lucy." Abby said sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. "We actually didn't know what time the ceremony was."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys but I didn't think you'd come anyway." Lucy admitted ashamed walking toward the door, putting on her white jacket and stethoscope.

"Why wouldn't we come?" Luka asked putting down the chart and looking at her confused.

"I don't know!" She replied with a ridiculous grin. "I was just being...stupid. I'm sorry--Again!"

"No worries, Luce. Though I wish I was invited." Dave said with a little sing-song voice on teh last part leaving the Lounge, her right behind him.

"Shut up!" She said hitting his back as he went behind Admit Desk. "I've got patients." Lucy grabbed a chart Jerry pated to her and walked up the hall. While walking toward her first patient as a full-fledge doctor, her mind raced. _What if I screw up and Kerry fires me? What if I can't cut it? What if...Carter and I are never friends again? I don't know what I'll do. How could I've been so stupid? Why did I tell him I...God, help me make the right decision._

"Congradulations." She heard voice from behind her. She looked next to her to the very man she was thinking about. His face was blank, unreadable. Lucy couldn't tell if he was mad or happy, but by his tone she was going with supressed anger.

"Thanks." She replied quietly. She came to where her patient was and was about to enter but Carter stopped her when she spoke again.

"Why didn't you tell us?" She looked at him from the closed door. He was leaning against the wall across from her. She did the same on the door with a sighed. "What was the real reason?"

"Honestly?" He nodded shortly. "I don't know. I guess I didn't want all the fuss and...what they did out there." She replied jerking her head toward the desk. "I mean, I'm not the only one who graduated today."

"True, but you're the only one who came back from the dead and didn't quit or feel sorry for themselves." She scoffed and chuckled softly, shaking her head at the floor.

"Not so sure on that last part." Carter noted on the melancoly in her voice and was a little disgusted by it. But he understood at the same time why she thought that way.

"I am." He said shortly, a little more comfort in his voice. Lucy looked up to where he stood to see a wall. She looked up the hall and he was going to the doors to help an incoming Trauma. As he, Mark, Dave and Malik rushed by, Abby close behind, she thought back to her first day in the ER--her first Trauma, her first time performing an IV, the first time she saw Carter with his ugly, bushly beard, the first time he yelled at her, and then she remembered everything in between. Everything that brought her to that moment. Everything that made her a doctor, everything that made her who she was and everything she'd face in the future

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey there, Grad." Mark said coming up behind her outside. Lucy looked up and smiled at him as he sat down next to her on the bench. The rest of the day had been surprisingly slow for June. Normally, this month brought them tons of patients.

"Hey, Dr. Greene." She replied with a happy sigh. Lucy, normally at this point, would've taken a puff from a cigarette but, as she told Carter, she was trying to quit. So, instead, she was chewing gum a mile a minute to calm her nerves.

"Mark." He correted her as Kerry had done that afternoon.

"Mark." She said with some hesistance as she looked up at the starry sky from somewhere other than the roof.

"What's worng? Thought you'd be happy that you finally graduated." He asked a little concerned.

"I am. I am, really." She convinced him with a reassuring smile.

"Good. It's nice to know all our hard work wasn't wasted." They laughed and she reached into her pocket. There they were: the pills. The damn pills.Lucy didn't want one at that moment but she was looking for another stick of gum and her hand happened to fall on them.

"I _am_ happy, Mark." She said using his name loosely, pulling out two sticks of gum and offering him one and he gratefully took it. "It's what I always wanted but..."

"But...It wasn't what you expected?" He asked unsure.

"No, just the opposite. But that's not the problem." She replied vaguely.

"Then what is?" He asked trying to pry the anwser out of her slowly and as painless as possible.

"A few days ago, in my last therapy session, my therapist told me to write a speech because she thought that I would be Valedictorian." She admitted with embarrassment in her voice.

"That's not so bad. She's looking out for you." He said with reassurence in his voice.

"But I _wasn't_ Valedictorian and I _did_ write a speech." Mark tilted his head down, put his elbows on his knees and laughed removing his glasses while Lucy looked up at the sky. "It's not funny." She said with a smile, knowing full well it was funny.

"You're right. I'm sorry. Continue." He said putting his glasses back on and sitting up straight.

"As I was saying, the reason why I'm not the happy graduate today is because I think she just told me to write the speech as a different form of therapy."

"It's possible. Some doctors are proned to do that. They say that it's suppose to help you sort out what you've been thinking and what you're feeling."

"Yeah, I thought as much." She said with an angry tone, scolding her therapist. "That damn speech. It's been in my pocket all day."

"Really?" He said intrigued. "Can I hear it?" She looked at him shocked. Mark just leaned back on his knees and looked at her with a waiting look on his face.

"It's not that good." She said trying to throw him off and possibly get off the hook.

"So?" He said not letting it go. She stared at him for a moment to see if her was joking and when he said nothing, just flashed a grin at her, she knew he was serious.

"All right, but you asked for it." She warned him. Mark nodded in response and cleared her throat. ""Distinguished guests, members of Faculty and Staff, parents, fellow graduates and friends. Good afternoon. It is a great pleasure and honor for me to be here to represent the Graduating Class of 2001. It's beautiful all of us being here together, even if it is just one last time. We may not know each other by name, but we've struggled more or less on the same papers and project and more importantly we have unanimously cherished the end of each semester. We all have unforgettable memories from the time spent in Chicago. I'm sure we will never forget the patients we met and tended to, as well as the good times and rumors we enjoyed at Cook County General with the nurses, for those of you who went there. I will never forget our residence, our great parties, and my roommate, Shealynn, who alone could snore louder than a group of bears."" Mark smiled and chuckled at this. He couldn't help but think of Doug and how he snored loud too.

""As I look back on my time here in Chicago and at Cook County General, I realize that my life has only just begun. That all our lives have just begun. I remember walking towards the building of County for the first time and feeling nervous. However, when I arrived Dr. Kerry Weaver was there at Admit Desk to meet students and the welcome was happy and warm. It _was_ until a GSW came banging in and we all got our first look at what the work aspect of being a doctor was--A rush. Sometimes painful and other times outstanding success. This is still what County means to me. It's a university where everyone, patients and staff, can feel important and cared for.

The year there taught me to look at life and the world from an interesting new perspective. This new perspective is the outcome of a combination of the huge amount of academic effort we all had to work our way through in order to be here today. The experience of living abroad a long way from home, and of course getting to know fellow students from very diverse backgrounds and cultures, and absorbing this knowledge into ones own thinking. All of this is something we've experienced here day after day.

Some sad events took place around the world last year. However, at County, as some of you here may know, these events could not have seemed more distant."" Mark lowered his saddly and Lucy noted it. She figured Mark was calculated whether or not she was taking about Paul Sobriki. Honestly, she didn't even know herself. ""While sitting in the Lounge with friends, doctors, nurses and other students, all coming from different backgrounds, it was easy to realize that this is exactly what being international means. I believe that County's biggest strength is it's truly international faculty and staff. I think all of us graduating today can agree that we have made friends from all around the world and that we sincerely wish that these friendships will last a lifetime.

Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey. In my mind, there is no destination because our whole life is a journey. All of us here today have come to the end of an important phase in our lives. We are at a crossroads where we have to make important decisions about which path to choose next in our lives. I think it is important to believe that anything is possible if you really want it and that we can really make a difference with our choices.

I'd like to use this opportunity to thank my mother and my grandfather for their love and understanding. I would also like to thank those people who have made it possible for me to be here today."" Lucy sighed deeply. " Here comes the embarrassment." She mumbled and Mark chuckled hearing her. Kerry came outside to wait for an incoming trauma when she heard Lucy go on. ""Drs. Mark Greene, Kerry Weaver, Doug Ross, Elizabeth Corday-Greene, Peter Benton, Luka Kovac Deb Chen and Robert Romano. These amazing and outstanding doctors never gave up and cracked down on me, on all of us, when neccesary. They made my time at County a vigorous experience and the knowledge they gave me I will take with me everywhere I go. As for the people who made my time at County have so much laughter, that goes to Dr. Dave Malucci, the desks clerks Randi, Jerry and Frank and the ER nurses Carol, Lydia, Haleh, Chuny, Abby, Yosh and Malik. But...I think the person who deserves the most thanks is my former teacher, Dr. John Carter..." Lucy sighed again and read the next part about Carter quickly. "...for his endless support and caring and for also making me work hard and never showing weakness. This incredible man taught me that "when you've done all you can, sometimes more, you have to walk away knowing you fought the good fight. Today, we have a good reason to celebrate and to be proud of ourselves, we made it. We fought the good fight. I wish the very best to all my fellow graduates and everyone at Cook County General. Thank you."" Lucy finished and refolded the speech, placingit back into her pocket. Mark leaned abck and looked at her. "Corny, right?" She asked starting to laugh at herself.

"No, not at all." He said laughing with her. "You know, Lucy, when I was in college, my classes Valedictorian gave a speech that pales in comparison to what you just read." She looked at him, her face growing red as he complimented her.

"Well, I thought I'd take a chance and write from the heart. I kind of haven't been using it lately." She lowered her head as she thought about her fight with Carter. Mark didn't know all the details but he knew she was talking about him.

"Well, you have to take chances...or you'll never see where life is leading you." She looked up at him and he was smiling at her. She couldn't help but smile back and Kerry watched the whole thing.

"Mark!" She called walking over to him. "We have a trauma coming in. ETA 2 minutes."

"Okay. Be right there." Mark patted Lucy's knee as he got up and walked toward Kerry and waited for the ambulance. "You off, Lucy?"

"Yeah. I thought I might stick around though. Need any help with the Trauma?"

"No, I think we've got it. Go on home. See 'ya tomorrow." Kerry agreed with him and Lucy listened hesitantly. She got up and went inside. Going into the Lounge, she opened her lockerand found a surprise. Someone placed one red rose inside with a note. She picked them both up and gazed at them.

_Congradulations again, Dr. Knight. Don't screw up and don't forget to be fair minded and objective._

_A Friend_

She put the note in her pocket and smelled the rose, her eyes closed, a smile spreading across her face. Lucy put on her jacket and placed her stethoscope on the shelf inside. Pickingup her bag and the bottle of champagne, she placed it inside. She closed the door and looked at the name tag on it. Her eyes welled up as she read it over and over again. _You did it. You really did. "A Friend..." Hope this "friend" knows how much I appreciate him._ Lucy smelled the rose again as she walked out of the Lounge. Luka was behind the desk with Carter and the usual crowd and they saw Lucy leave with a smile as she smelled the rose. Everyone looked at Carter and he didn't realize they were until he went to erase his name from the board.

"What?" He asked and he got a bunch of "nothing's" in response as they went about their business.

_**Chapter 13: More Than You Know**_

**Preview:** Yet another recap to bring you up to date on what has happened.


	13. More Than You Know

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

_**Chapter 13: More Than You Know **_

"_While I'm asleep  
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret  
What if I make the change?  
What if I loose my courage  
This time?"_

Cook County General had been through a lot besides Lucy's return, graduation and "lover's spat" with Carter. Abby, dragging Carter with her, takes a road trip to Oklahoma to pick up Maggie, her mother, who had locked herself in a motel room. Maggie stole sleeping pills from a convenience store and attempted suicide. Abby went to court to argue for a 90-day psych hold for her mother but lost and her mother was released. Rena, a 19-year-old undergraduate at County, dumped Carter over the phone. They had been dating in secret. Lucy found out about this and that's when her life started to go downhill.

Lucy, at that point, finally realized how much she truly cared for Carter and also realized how dumb she was to tell him they should only be friends. The two dance around the subject for a while but, once again, decide to hold off. Unbeknownst to anyone at County, and even Shea since she decided to move, Lucy started to take her painkillers more often. Though she knew it was unsafe, she didn't care. She was just so unhappy and she knew she'd brought it upon herself. Pretty soon, she started to lose weight rapidly. She didn't understand why or care, though she suspected it had to do with her frequent bathroom visits. She just wanted to leave County and Carter again as soon as possible. She'd had enough of his bullshit and was tired of him sleeping around when he knew how both of them felt about each other. But that was as far as it went--they cared for each other. Correction, they loved each other. Neither of them wanted to risk their careers over feelings they weren't even sure would work out. Though she matched at County and decided on ER over Pysch, for obvious reasons, she couldn't stand it there anymore. She always felt like she was suffocating now, even when happy, and needed to get away. Lucy ended up spending more time with Dave who seemed to be the only one who completely understood her. As their friendship flourished, hers and Carter's diminished.

Carla, Peter's former wife and mother to Reese, checked into the hospital after a fall. Dave, as always, clashed with authority figures Chen and Cleo when his past track record got him into trouble. Abby ended up flabbergasted when Maggie revealed her plans to move back to her birthplace of Minneapolis. Abby also revealed to her mother that she was pregnant once but had an abortion, scared about the genetic possibility of herself or her child turning out bipolar like her. Carter and Chen were both shot down in their bids for Chief Resident while Kerry met Legaspi's new girlfriend. Not a soul in the hospital new about her new found sexual status.

Carla hit on Peter and freaked out at Cleo after she turned her back on Reese for a second and he injured himself. Eventually, Romano fired Legaspi and when Kerry confronted him, she threatened that she would quit if Kim was not rehired. Peter was accused, by Rodger, of sleeping with Carla and Cleo ended up cutting her hand while treating an HIV-positive patient. Luka drew unhappiness from Abby when he sent in her Med school reapplication without her consent. Carter expressed his feelings to Abby about how he was thinking about his future at another hospital.

Carter's parents returned to town for his grandfather's funeral, which Lucy attended for moral support, dispite their current relationship, and Abby briefly. She had her own decisions to make when Luka wanted her to move in with him. Kerry returned from an impromptu vacation, worried that Romano had outted her to the staff but discovered she was safe but with one small difference: Chen was the new Chief Resident.

Peter dealt with Cleo's meds and Legaspi landed a job in San Francisco, leaving Kerry once and for all. Carter inquired about an attending position but Kerry pretty much turned him down. He also ended up slipping and hurting his back while stuck at County with a never-ending rush of patients from a stampede at a rock concert while looking for her. Lucy had tended to him for as long as she could but was immediately sent upstairs to Pysch again. Carter was thankful that she wasn't hurt like had been. Though he never said anything, he worried that her wounds might reopen if she had been hurt.

A frazzled Chen disappears for awhile, while Kerry goes to Doc Magoo's with her old PI--he'd found her mother for real this time. Luka and Abby went out to a bar but she got mad when he ignored her and flirted with a French waitress, so they broke up. Mark and Elizabeth found it difficult to balance their schedules so she decided she wanted to hire a nanny to take care of Ella when they couldn't. Peter discovered later on that Carla died in a car accident and Reese was slightly injured. Dave made a fatal assumption with a patient, which Chen signed off on anyway, earning them both Kerry's fire. They blame it on her for not answering their pages. Little did they know that she left her pager in the bathroom of Doc Magoo's.

Lucy was on the roof at the moment, smoking a cigarette, trying to relieve her stress. She'd treated a 13-year-old girl who came in complaining of sores and itching in her nether regions. After an hour of waiting for tests, Lucy told the girl that she had contracted Pubic Lice, better known as Crabs. The girl screamed at Lucy, convinced she was lying, left and came back with her 16-year-old boyfriend. He had been more calm and agreed to get tested as well. After another hour of waiting, the tests came back and he also had been diagnosed with Crabs. The girl tried to pick a fight with Lucy but her boyfriend stopped her before she could get too physical. Unfortunately, the girl did get a sucker punch at Lucy leaving her with a split lip. The couple had been released and had a prescription to treat the lice. Lucy was icing her lip and she came to the revelation that she'd go up to the roof more with each passing day.

"Hey." Carter said from behind her and she whipped around more shocked than ever. After releasing a sigh, she chuckled and so did he sitting down next to her. "Sorry about that."

"No, it's okay." She replied moving the ice and taking a suck on her cigarette while staring out at the city lights. "It's easy to be jumpy up here."

"How's your lip?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Fine just really cold." She laughed taking another puff, soon releasing a sigh and a cloud of smoke.

"That girl really got you, didn't she?" He said moving her chin toward him slightly so he could see her lip. He only saw the drying blood for a second before she pushed his hand away. She returned to her cigarette and turned her eyes back to the street. Carter gave a sigh of frustration and ran a hand through his hair. He was so sick of the way things were going between them. After their confession, fight and her secret graduaion, she found out about his now finished relationship with Rena. He, in retrospect, learned how strong his feelings for her were along. Since then, they had avoided each other as much as possible. even though she worked in the ER permanantly now. Whenever she needed someone to sign off on a chart, before her graduation, she went to Dave or Chen; both of which she'd bonded with much more since her return. This did not go unnoticed by the ER staff and soon polls and rumors were flying about them all over again. "Lucy, about Rena..."

"You don't have to explain, Carter. It's none of my business anyway." She was calling him "Carter," that was a good sign.

"But I should've told you sooner--"

"No! Really! You shouldn't have." She said with a laugh in her voice, turning to face him with a shocked smile. "Like I said, it's none of my business. I'd like to keep it that way too, if you don't mind."

"Well, I do mind, Lucy!" He countered her moving to his feet. "Since Rena and I broke up--No. Since you graduated, you've been avoiding me!"

"No, I haven't!" She lied still trying to sound shocked.

"Lucy! I know that tone. You're mad at me! Why not just admit?" She threw her cigarette over the edge, put down the ice and stood up to face him with so much anger.

"Why don't _you_ just admit that you're mad at me?" She said with an icy cold tone, desperatly trying to keep her anger under control. Lucy wasn't the same person anymore, she had know idea what she'd do if she lost total control of her supressed anger. She had a lot of it, that was for sure.

"Because the last time I admitted something to you, you threw it back at me like it was nothing!" She was taken aback at first but soon countered him again.

"That's because I wasn't expecting you to tell me you loved me!"

"And I wasn't expecting you to feel the same and deny it at the same time." She closed her eyes tightly and turned from him, running her hands through her hair. While she did so with an aggravated sigh, he walked back to the bench and picked up the ice pack. He handed to her silently adn she snatched quickly without so much as a "thank you" and turned her back on him. When she turned around though, about to apologize, hhe was gone but she heard the door open and she saw his looking at her sadly.

"What's happened to us, Carter?" He was silent and unsure.

"I don't know. I guess things just changed. I mean, things are gonna to change. It's a fact. All things _have_ to change. Even people, right?" She lowered her head and sighed and hugging herself tightly, thinking a minute before she answered and looking at him again, even more sorrow in her eyes.

"More than you know." They looked at each other for a moment, longing that they hadn't fought again. But they narrowed it down to their love never meant to be. Even since Lucy's graduation, they believed they could never be together since they fought all the time. He reluctantly turned away and closed the door to the roof.

Carter groaned in agony at his stupidity and flopped down the stairs. He sat down on a vacant stairwell and remembered one Christmas when he got a card from a patient he didn't remember telling him he was an instrument of God. Later on, two patients helped saved one another by a miracle he and Lucy thought would never happen. They were sitting on that exact stairwell he was on now when she confessed that she'd introduced the two families and that's why both boys lived. He proceeded to call her an "instrument of God" and she just laughed, shrugging it off.

With his head placed heavily in his hands, elbows digging into his knees, he rethought everything that had happened since Paul Sobriki. Things had changed. Not just between him and Lucy, but in everyone else too. Carter couldn't help but wonder, if Lucy had died...would things be different...Better?

_**Chapter 14: Nazi Dyke**_

**Preview: **The final chapter. Follows the episode where Dave gets fired, _Blood Sugar Sex Magic_, and Lucy has a few choice words for Kerry herself.


	14. Nazi Dyke

**_A/N: _**I don't own _ER_ or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge.

Just for reference, this chapter takes place in October and it's told in different POVs until the end when they actually talk. The order is:

SECTION 1: Lucy then Carter

SECTION 2: Dave then Kerry

SECTION 3: Lucy

SECTION 4: Abby then Carter

SECTION 5: Mark then Chen then Lucy then Dave then the actually talking commences

**_Chapter 14: Nazi Dyke _**

_"Where do I go from here?  
Or am I just like a clock spinning round  
Everything seems unclear"_

I thought today was going to be normal, like any other day. But I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. I'd seen Carter briefly while still avoiding him. He was limping and I couldn't help but laugh. Not at his pain, mind you, but at the thought of him with a cane like Kerry's. Mark came around and asked me what was so funny. I just pointed to Carter and made a snide remark. This, apparently, clinched it. Everyone stopped their gossiping and polls about how Carter and I were a couple. In a small way, we were but little did I know that this day would go from laughing at Carter to hurting him.

Anyway, while Cleo and Peter work together to treat a patient, Peter told her about the trouble that he was having with Reese at night. He, apparently, was waking up and looking for his mother. Dave interrupted them to tell Cleo that he has treated one of her patients, a girl with a prolapsed rectum. He told Cleo that the girl was in a lot of pain and he used sugar to reduce the edema in the area. Cleo wasn't thrilled with either his treatment or the fact that he treated one of her patients without her asking him to. She was going to yell at him some more later but she didn't get the chance.

Later, Dave seemed eager to ask Mark a question but was quickly distracted by a good looking female paramedic who walks by. He forgot about his question and followed the paramedic into the elevator that was already over crowded. As soon as the elevator doors closed though, the elevator came to an abrupt stop and got stuck. Dave tried to assure the other elevator passengers that they should be out of the elevator soon and that the elevator getting stuck was something that happened all the time. Even though that wasn't true, the passengers believed him and remained as calm as they could trapped in an elevator with no idea of when or how they'd get out. One of the passengers told Dave that his doctor believed he had an ulcer. Then, another passenger complained of the heat and said she wan't feeling well. The doctor was evidently right about the ulcer man because just then he started vomiting bright red blood.

At least that's how Dave told me it happened.

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The day started off normally enough. Everything seemed fine, everyone seemed fine. Lucy was still made me and avoiding me. But it didn't work to well since we kept "bumping" into each. A little joke from the nurses, Jerry and possibly Dave too at our expense. Now, when I say "bumping into each other," what I mean is that they, the accused above, would keep us together in Traumas and even on minor cases. They seemed to think that if we were always together then we'd have to talk out our problems. They couldn't have been more wrong.

I decided that I was going to apologize to Lucy and try to make amends. I mean, I love her. I have to try and keep her here for a long as humanly possible. I can't lose her, not again. But my...reconciliation with Lucy was going to have to wait. I'd been having some back problems. Not unusual when you consider what happened a year ago, but unusual when you considered the fact that it happened a year ago. Are you with me so far? Good, thought I lost you back there. Anyway, that matter wasn't helped when Abby asked me to help move a new fish tank into Luka's apartment to replace the one she accidentally broke while moving out. Great. Sounded like a real bitch at the time and, boy, was I right.

Meanwhile, as I later found out upon returning to the hospital that evening, Peter encountered problems finding a sitter for Reese when Jackie decided that she couldnt do it. He was making calls and talking to people on the speaker while performing surgery! Now, I love Peter, I do. He was my teacher for crying out loud, but when someone calls my hose the last thing I expect when I pick up is someone yelling "4 CCs of atropiene, 6 liters of O-Neg, a Crash Cart and a Thoarcotomy Tray! Now!" while asking for help at the same time. that's gotta be awkward. Anyway, Chen was starting to have trouble with Kerry "helping" her with patients. I got the whole story when Abby I returned from our "aquatic mischief" charge, as she called it. Cleo's HIV test results come back negative and she was more than relieved. Poor Mark though, his life wasn't getting any easier. His older daughter, Rachel, showed up at the hospital after running away from Jenn and wanted to stay with Mark for a while. Meanwhile, Elizabeth accidentally fell asleep in surgery and Dave got stuck in the elevator with a cute female paramedic and a guy vomiting blood. Needless to say, I think Dave had the best worst day of everyone.

"_Confusion is raising its head  
And I can't make a sound  
I feel it tearing at my soul"_

The ulcer man collapsed on the elevator floor and the hot paramedic and myself quickly went to work. Luckily the she had a med kit with her and because I determined that the man was no longer breathing, he needed to have an airway inserted. I had some trouble inserting the intubation tube because of all the blood remaining in the man's Trachea. But with some more quick work, I got one of the other elevator passengers to help me by getting him to push on the man's neck using Cricoid Pressure. That poor man, I felt so sorry for him. But what else could I do? If he didn't do it, I wouldn't have been able to perform the intubation and the ulcer man would've died. Also, the hot paramedic would've thought me a lousy doctor. I couldn't let her think that, now could I? Anyway, I was still unable to see and had the other passenger start bagging him. I told _my _paramedic that I was going to try a Retrograde Intubation. She seemed impressed. But how could she not be by Dr. Dave? I asked her about the biggest Angiocath that she had in her bag and when she handed it to me, I inserted it in the patient's neck. I then inserted a Catheter into the Cath Tube and ran Saline through it to clear the area of blood. With the area clear, I was able to insert the Intubation Tube. Everyone seemed very impressed with my efforts. My paramedic was evidently _really_ impressed with my efforts because she decided that the best use of her "off" time would be to get--oh, never mind. You know what I'm saying, hopefully.

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I opened the doors to an ambulance, expecting to have a patient but, instead, I find Malucci on top of a paramedic in a rather compromising position. Disgusted with both of them, I slammed the ambulance door and headed back toward teh hospital. But I thought a moment. _Why am I leaving? Something has to be done! If I just walk away, he'l think he can do it again. Something has to be done. _So I opened the door again and Malucci seemed upset with my interruption. So, equally angered, I fired him. He tried to explain it away by saying that he was on "break" and the tramp paramedic piped in suddenly with "I'm between calls," but I was undeterred. I told Malucci to go home, told the paramedic to remove her rig and I returned to the less disgusting situations I had to deal with inside. Malucci followed back inside and found me erasing his name from the patient board. But, when I walked away, he re-wrote his name on the patient board and had the audacity to ask me if he should issue a formal apology. He then suggested a suspension, but I'm steadfast in my actions and the punishment remains.

_"While I'm asleep I feel it driving me to something I'll regret  
What if I make the change?  
What if I loose all my courage  
This time?"_

That's where I found him on the bench. I was coming out to meet an ambulance but I ended up comforting Dave. He told me everything; from the elevator breaking down to the "hot" paramedic, as he called her, to Kerry firing him. I couldn't believe it. It was unfair and unjust for Kerry to fire him on the stop with any evaluation whatsoever. At first I thought it must've been a spur of the moment thing, but I thought again and realized how much Kerry hated Dave. She never really like him and always yelled at him and his methods.

I told him I'd help him with anything he needed, anything at all. But, surprisingly gentlemen like, he refused to accept my help. He then proceeded to tell me that he was sure he'd get his job back after he talked to Kerry. I wasn't so sure on the other hand. Dave is my friend and I worry about him, like I do with anyone else in the is hospital. He ranhis hand through his now long hair once before getting up at the sound of the ambulance. As it came into the Bay, he ran up to it to get the patient but I told him that it may have been best if he didn't consideringhis current situation. Dave just laughed and agreed going back inside to his other patients.

_"Everything seems so strange  
Try but I can't seem to make a decision  
That's right  
I feel it pounding like a drum  
Inside my brain  
I feel it  
If it doesn't stop  
I'll go insane I feel it  
Tearing at my soul"_

I had returned to Luka's apartment, picking up what was remaining of my things. I was looking through still unpacked boxes of clothes when I found the sweater that I'd went for. I folded the sweater, picked up my box of things and moved to turn off the stereo. Turning off the stereo suddenly reminded me that the CD that was playing belonged to me and I decided to take it, along with some others, and I put them in my box. As I removed my jacket from a coat rack, the coat rack tipped over, striking Luka's new fish tank. When I stooped to pick up the coat rack, I noticed the water on the floor and traced it back to a large crack in the tank. I'm not at all happy. This was just what I needed to complete my day. Later, at the hospital, I called and inquired about buying a new fish tank, but evidently knowing nothing about fish or tanks, I had a little trouble. I ended my conversation quickly when I heard Luka approaching. In fact, I ran and hid just about every time Luka came near.

As I was backing into a treatment room to once again dodge Luka, I found Carter trying to remove a piece of glass from his foot. I offered to help him remove the piece of glass and while I'm donning my gloves I told Carter that Luka and I broke up. Carter seems surprised and asked me why we broke up. I simply responded that we both seemed to realize some time ago that things weren't working out and that neither of us had wanted to end it. When Carter responded "Then it was amicable?" I told him "No." I started to tell him about the broken fish tank, but we were interrupted Haleh who was calling Carter to help Chen in Trauma One.

Luka later found me and were forced to worked together on a patient. The atmosphere between us was very chilly, and I barely responded to Luka. Before leaving the room, Luka asked me if I found my sweater. I had to think. Had he seen the fish tank and know I did it? After brief moment of silence, I told him that I did and didn't tell him anything else. Luka actually apologized to me and said that he was sorry he "hurt" me and that he didn't mean to at all. I quickly responded that he didn't hurt me at all. He then told me that he only wanted me to be happy, but I was cold with my replies. He turned to leave and I had to ask him _the_ questiom: "So what now?" He responded by saying "You tell me." I wasn't sure how to anwser so I asked him a question about the patient, he answered and then turned and leave the room.

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Abby found me limping down the hallway and again volunteered to remove the glass from my foot. While working on the removal, Abby told me how she smashed Luka's fish tank and asked if I wouldn't mind going with her to replace it since she'd have trouble getting it up to his apartment by herself. At first I wasn't enthused. I couldn't just leave the hospital to halp Abby replace Luka's fish tank. I had patients! So I told her that she should just tell Luka what happened. Abby then reminded me, or blackmailed me, that she just helped me out by removing the glass from this foot.

The next thing I know, Abby and I are arriving at Luka's apartment with the fish tank in hand. Abby realizeed that she left her key to the apartment in the apartment when she left earlier. How stupid can you be? Honestly! She told me that Luka always leaves a window open and she attempted to climb onto the fire escape and gain entry into the apartment. So I lean the fish tank against the wall in order to give Abby a boost and when I turn my back to help her, the fish tank starts to fall and I leave Abby, who is hanging from the fire escape, in order to catch the falling fish tank.

We finally make it into the apartment and succeed in setting up the new fish tank. Se, not me, evidently kill one of the fish during the switch and after some "debate," decide to put the dead fish back into the tank. Luka wouls just assume it died of natural causes and Abby, and certainly not me, would never me suspected. As we were preparing to leave, a knock came at the door. Abby looked through the peephole and into the eyes of one of Chicago's finest. Who the hell called the cops?! Abby auggested that if we didn't make any noise, they might go away.

So much for that plan because Abby and I end up sitting downstairs in a police car. I pull out my cell phone to call my lawyer just as Luka arrives. Abby turned and noticed that Luka looked really mad. But who woulsn't be? Someone breaks into your apartment and you'd expect them otherwise? The policeman came to tell us that our..."friend" has cut us loose and that we can be on our way. Neither of us say anything to Luka before we leave. I accompanied Abby home and along the way she regaled stories of her youth, including being busted for "borrowing" a car. I thought about sharing the tale about how I was arrested in the ER but decided not to. I didn't want her thinking she could use me again the next time she needed some somewhat illegal help. When Abby asked me if I'd has ever been in trouble, I lied and told her no. What would you do in my situation? She inviteed me in, but I decline telling her that I have to get back to the hospital. That's when I found out what had been going on while I was gone.

_"While I'm asleep  
I feel it  
Driving me to something I'll regret  
I feel it  
Pounding like a drum inside my brain  
I feel it  
I feel it If it doesn't stop I'll go insane"_

Kerry found me in the hall later and I asked her what was going on with Dave. She told me that he was insubordinate and had no respect for anything. When I responded that she couldn't fire him just because they didn't get along, Kerry told me that she didn't have to justify her opinions to me. Kerry is my boss and even though we've butted heads a few times, I still have to respect her and her opinions. But if she keeps going down this path, she won't have anymore doctors. She's the least of my problems though, Elizabeth and I are...well...let's just say that we're going through a bit of a rough patch.

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I saw Lucy head off with the Trauma that just came in and I, like her, found Dave outside, considering his future. We talked about our patient that died and he apologized to me. He said he should've caught the problem but I told him that I should've looked at the X-Ray closer. Doctors, we can be so silly and depressing sometimes. I talked to him about what he was going to do. Lucy quickly mentioned on the way in that Kerry fired him. I couldn't believe it. Sure, Dave was a little wilder than the rest of us but that didn't make him a bad doctor. He told me that he was going to be a doctor, that it was the only thing he'd ever been good at.

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He re-entered the ER, hoping to gain his job back as he told me earlier. Chen had just pasted me with a new Trauma, and Dave did too with a chart and I was leaving the one I had to Romano up in the OR. Coming up to Admit Desk, taking off my scrubs and gloves and throwing them away, I saw Carter some in. I went behind the desk and he said that he needed to talk to me later and that we should meet up at Doc Magoos after their shift. I nodded agreeing with him. We really did need to talk. We were reviewing charts when it started. All of us there listened and watched out of one eye as the best-worst day moment of mine and Dave's lives comenced.

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I went back to work, examining a fire-eater that has singed his nasal area. When Kerry saw me working on the patient, she took the chart away and told Malik to give the patient to someone else outside of the Exam room. I tried to make a case for myself, telling Kerry that she can't fire me without going before a Resident Review Board. I thought I had her there and my job back when she acknowledged that to be the case, but then she told me that, regardless, I would never work in the ER again. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. So I followed her to Admit Desk where everyone was at: Lucy, Jerry, Frank, Carter, Luka, Mark, Haleh, Chuny, Lydia and Yosh. Malik soon joined to give the fire-eater's chart to Kerry, thinking she should do it because everyone else was busy. I didn't care that they were all there. I let her have it.

"I am a good doctor and I've made many great saves in my career, even today in an elevator!" He said continuing to follow her as she weaved through Admit Desk.

"There is more to being a doctor than that." She said taking the fire-eater's chart and replacing Dave's name on the board with hers.

"So, what?" He asked not letting her get away from him. "What do you want me to do?" Lucy put down the chart she was reviewing and followed Dave. She put her hand to his forearm in comfort to get him to stop for a moment ot her her out.

"Dave, cool down. It's not worth it." Lucy whispered to him in a failed attempt to calm him down.

"My job's not worth it?" He echoed in shock. What Lucy meant to say was "She's not worth it." But she didn't get a chance to remedy that mistake. "The way I see it I've got two choices, Lucy: sit back and stay fired or get my job back by doing waht she wants me to do."

"The only way you're getting your job back, Malucci, is by--"

"By, oh, what, adopting _your_ cheery attitude and sparkling bedside manner?" He asked rhetorically interupting her and following her, Lucy close behind. By now, everyone was listening, even a few patients that were sitting in chairs. Dave had done it; he's proded Kerry into saying all he needed to hear.

"I don't like you, Malucci, and you don't have the goods to back up your brand of cowboy medicine!" She shouted at him from the middle of the hospital entrance.

"Dr. Weaver, please! I need this job." He begged her in as nice a tone he could muster at that moment. "I need the money to support my son!"

"I didn't know you had a son." Kerry said silently at the news. Lucy looked at Dave from behind the desk and, like everyone, was shocked to hear this too.

"Not surprising since you don't know anything about me." He said going back into his bad-ass form. "Wanna know why? I'll tell you why! Because you're a sad cold-hearted bitch that nobody likes!" Lucy came out from behind the desk to stand on the left of Dave and tried to calm him down. But it wasn't working. He'd finally snapped. "Why is that? Because you don't have anything! All you have is this stinkin' hospital and you can't even run it properly!"

"Security!" Kerry started shouting repeatedly until an officer came up to her. Dave went on and on though while Kerry spoke with the cop. "Escort Dr. Malucci off the premises!"

"No! You can't do this, Kerry!" Lucy said pushing the cop away forcefully. Mark came around from the desk to calm Lucy down this time.

"Lucy, you have patients to see. Go tend to them. Now." He wasn't trying to be mean, he was trying to give her warning of what would happen if she kept her actions up.

"No!" She shouted at Mark. "She can't do this! It's not right! She can't fire Dave because she diesn't like him!" Mark nodded and was about to tell her some more comforting words but Kerry butted in.

"Oh, really, Lucy? And why is that? This is _my_ hospital and you're gonna stand here and tell me how to run it?"

"Dave just told you he has a son and I know for a fact that if anyone else here told you that, you'd re-hire them in an instant." She said pointig at her angrily like she'd done to Carter months ago. "But not, Dave. No, because you hate him!" Carter came out from around the desk to take a turn at calming Lucy while Mark talked to the cop, telling him everything would be fine and that they could handle it themselves.

"Lucy, what are you doing?" He asked in her ear.

"Stay out of this, Carter, it's none of your damn business." She replied, eyes still fixed on Kerry who was yelling at Dave agian.

"It's none of yours either, Lucy." Everyone was shouting now, putting int their own opinions. The noise was so deafening that Lucy did the only thing she could to hear herself think.

"Shut up, Carter! Dave is my friend and I'm going to stick by him because that's what a friend does. Something _you _know nothing about!" She shouted at the top of her lungs, finally looking at him. Hearing that, everyone stopped and listened to her tell off Carter. Lucy then turned her eyes toward Kerry, ready to let her have next. "As for you, Kerry, if you fire Dave you'll be losing a great doctor. Sure, his methods are different from yours but that doesn't make them wrong."

"Lucy, stop right there or--" Kerry started to warn her but Dave came to Lucy's aid as she had done for him.

"No! Let her finish, fetus!" He shouted at her using the nickname he gave her, calling her it to her face for the first time.

"And another thing!" Lucy continued. "If you're too close minded and set in your own stupid and idiotic ways to see Dave for the truly great doctor that he is, then you can go piss on yourself and die for all I care!"

"That's it, Lucy! You're fired!" Kerry shouted and Mark left the cop to pull Kerry off to the side and calm her down. She was being rash and hot-headed, two things that never mix well with Kerry.

"Oh, I'm fired now? I'm fired?! Let me tell you something, _Dr. _Weaver--" Lucy said pointing at her, but Carter interutted again, taking her left arm and trying to pull her back. Lucy didn't even look at him as he did it. Her eyes were fixed on Kerry while Dave tried to stop Carter.

"Lucy, stop! You've said enough! Just--" Lucy suddenly gave Carter a right hook to his eye. As he fell to the floor, he released her arm.

"Screw you, Carter!" She said confidently as Luka, Mark and a confused Cleo went to help carter up. Lucy returned her steel gaze to Kerry. Now nothing could stop her. "Kiss my ass, Kerry. I'm not fired. I quit!" The pair angrily went to Admit Desk and turned in their stethoscopes and IDs. Lucy didn't even look at Carter as he rose to his feet.

"Nazi dyke!" Dave shouted over his shoulder while hitting both doors open so he and Lucy could stride out. Kerry lowered her head and sighed. She'd just lost two great doctors and, more importantly, at least to her, they hurt her feeling which everyone thought were non-exsistant. She looked up and saw Cleo examining Carter's eye. Lucy got him good, his nose was even bleeding and he'd definately have a shiner.

"All right. That's it. Show's over. Let's get back to work." She said starting to walk away to the fire-eater patient. As she entered, she put on a smile and as she started the man interupted her. He asked, "Where's the doctor that was here before? Dr. Malucci?" Kerry didn't even answer but told Haleh, who came in to tell her Carter was going to head home, to order in some tests. She nodded and did so silently. Kerry excused herself and went into the Lounge and sat down. She just at there looking out the window into the cold October air. One thought ran through her head: _I was right._

**_A/N: _**Okay, this is the final chapter to _State of Mind_. There is a sequel in the works that'll be titled _Peace of Mind_. I don't know when it will be out but I'm working on it and I already have the whole thing plotted it out so it should be here soon.

Hope you liked the way I ended this. For those of you who are mad that I only made Carter and Lucy kiss, don't worry, they will...uh, "consumate" their...uh, "friendship" in the sequel. That may be NC-17 so I'll write that as a seperate chapter for those of you who would read that and for those of you who don't can just skip over it and onto the next chapter.

Anyway, thanx to everyone who took the time to read this and actually review it. I rpobably wouldn't have continued if it wasn't for you. Wow, I sound like I'm accepting an award or something. Oh, well, I feel like that right now so I'm gonna go on to the "thanx" part:

(in order of appearence, just to be the total dork that I am)

Sky Spade, Sharon R, psych21, Lili, LucyBethFan1, Cartergal131, Allie O'Brien, Sabrina!, Magical Me6666 and last, but certainly not least, Alicia (who gave me the longest review ever! XD loved it!)

Thanx to all of you and see next time!


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